Love in a Hopeless Place
by starrylaa
Summary: Having been hiding out in the middle of nowhere to escape Voldemort's tyranny, Lily is captured by patrollers and then offered as a prize to Voldemort's followers. James claims her as his own, in the process altering the course of both their lives. AU
1. Chapter 1

**Title:** Love In a Hopeless Place (1/5)  
><strong>Rating:<strong> T  
><strong>Warnings:<strong> Dark themes, some sexual aspects (later).  
><strong>Disclaimer:<strong> The title is derived from Rhianna's song 'We Found Love'; even though I'm not the biggest Rihanna fan, I felt this song captured the essence of the fic. There's also hints of Beauty and the Beast in this too. Additionally, the method of the potion described below is made up, but I did try to follow a similar pattern of those on Pottermore. The warming charm is also made up.  
><strong>Original prompt:<strong> [Magical AU where Voldemort won the First War, preferably James and Lily don't know one another] Given her Muggle-born status, Lily is forced to work as an (escort/call girl/prostitute) in order to support herself in the wizarding world. The night she (meets/is hired by) pure-blood heir James Potter changes her life.  
><strong>Summary:<strong> Having been hiding out in the middle of nowhere to escape Voldemort's tyranny, Lily is captured by patrollers and subsequently offered as a prize to Voldemort's followers. James claims her as his own, in the process altering the course of his life – and hers too.  
><strong>Author's Note:<strong> Written for the Lily/James holiday fest over on livejournal for museme87 . A few things: the prompt has been altered (with museme87's consent). In this fic, Lily is meant to be more of a slave/plaything of James, rather than an escort or prostitute. Obviously this fic is AU but with some similarities to canon. Just to make it clear, Snape was Lily's friend before Hogwarts, they tried to stick together in First Year, but Voldemort's increasing presence eventually drove them apart. Lily, Remus and James were in Gryffindor but for reasons that are later explained, Lily and Remus didn't know James well. Sirius ended up being sorted into Slytherin, thus changing the destinies of the Marauders. James _may seem_ OOC, but he's portrayed as I would expect him to, had his fate changed drastically. Also, given that this was written for a fest and written in a very tight time period it may come off as a little hurried or under-developed in places, for which I apologise.

Many thanks to hmsharmony and _autumncolours over on lj for being such swift, thorough, brilliant betas, whom I threw a fifty-page document at and then they got through it likes pros. All the Galaxy Cookie Crumbles and cute kittens to them both.

This story will be posted in five parts over the next few days. I hope people enjoy reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it. Also, for those waiting for my other L/J fic to be updated, the latest chapter is almost done and will hopefully be posted soon.

* * *

><p><strong>Part One<strong>

It was a difficult potion to brew in the first place, but for her it seemed virtually impossible. With trembling hands, she held the potions book she had stolen from a boy she once knew and read through the directions for the hundredth time.

Lily had already made the first half of the potion a few days ago but the second part was infinitely harder. Still, she was determined to complete it. Anything to keep him alive.

_Salamander blood, griffin claw, standard ingredient, infusion of wormwood and valerian sprigs._

She counted out the sparse ingredients before her, knowing that she didn't quite have enough, but it was all the old lady she met could spare. Lily was grateful to the giver; very few people were sympathetic to people like her anymore.

She studied the turquoise mixture in her tatty cauldron and reached out for the griffin claw.

_Strengthening potion. Step One: crush in mortar, the book read and Lily followed suit. Step two: add two measures of standard ingredient to the mortar. Crush into a fine powder. Step three: add three measures of this mixture into the cauldron. _

Lily carefully measured out the mixture and placed it in the cauldron. Just as she did so, a low moaning noise came from the bed across the room. Lily lifted her head and looked at the boy lying there.

"Not long to go now, Remus," she reassured him. But he didn't hear her.

Sighing, she added salamander blood to her cauldron and anxiously heated it up to the required temperature. She stirred it a few times and added the valerian sprigs and waited with bated breath for it to turn the right colour. When it did, she gave a relieved cry.

_Leave the potion to brew for a quarter of an hour. _

Lily stood up and walked over to the bed where her unconscious friend slept. His fever had taken hold of him and he was paler than usual, if that was even possible. There were lacerations all over his body from when he had recently transformed and injured himself, and his transformation had weakened his already vulnerable state.

She stroked his forehead in comfort, wishing his torment would come to an end. But it never did, not for either of them.

Lily walked back to the cauldron, turned the heat off and carefully added infusion of wormwood - one drop too many and the potion would explode; one drop too little and it would coalesce.

The potion turned clear and Lily smiled. Finally, something had gone right. She waited for the potion to cool before pouring it into a goblet and walking back over to Remus. Lily dipped her fingers into the potion and dabbed her wet fingers over Remus' lips. And then she waited.

A few minutes later, Remus stirred; after half an hour, his eyes fluttered open.

His gaze focused on Lily, who was apprehensively watching over him.

"Lily?" he croaked.

Overcome with emotion, tears sprung in Lily's eyes. "Hi," she greeted her old friend.

Remus blinked a few times. "What happened?"

Lily reached out and touched his cheek. "You've been very ill," she explained. "You caught something a few weeks ago and then you transformed and it made it worse. You've been in and out of consciousness for days on end."

"Oh Lily," he rasped, his brown eyes growing solemn. "I'm sorry."

Finally letting go of her pent up emotions, the tears began running down her face. "Not your fault at all," she said, shaking her head. "But I have been worried. I had to sneak into the nearby town and see if I could scavenge ingredients to make a potion for you. I'm just glad you're okay." She swallowed and studied him. "Can you sit up?" she asked.

Uncertainly, Remus tried to sit up and Lily immediately assisted him. "Here," she said. "Drink the rest of this potion. It will help."

He obliged and Lily watched the instant effects of the potion take hold. His skin began to lose its pallor, his breathing started to lose its raspiness, but he still had a long way to go before he was truly better.

His eyes met hers and he smiled sadly. "I always hold you back, don't I?"

"No," she denied.

But Remus shook his head. "I'm always ill, Lil. You could be long gone. You could be safe and in a different country. But instead, you're stuck in an abandoned cottage in the middle of nowhere."

She grabbed his hands and held them to her chest. "Remus, you listen to me. We've been through so much together and you're the only thing I have in this world right now. I would rather stay out here with you with barely any provisions than risk it on my own. I'm not leaving you, you hear? Besides, you would never leave me if our positions were reversed."

Remus' gaze danced all over Lily's face. She saw gratitude in his eyes, but the frustration at feeling weak was evident too.

Lily brought one of his hands up to her lips and pressed a firm kiss there. "I'm glad you're awake; it's been lonely without you."

The hand he had by her lips reached out to brush a stray hair of hers out of her face. His arm limped and even that small gesture took a lot of effort, but he persisted. When his fingers touched her temple, she closed her eyes.

"You're exhausted," Remus noted.

"I haven't slept properly in days," she confessed.

"Get some sleep," he informed her. "I'll be fine now."

If she had the strength, she would argue, but she didn't. Instead, she made her way to the armchair in the corner of the room and collapsed in a tired heap. Her gaze was transfixed on him for a few moments, before she succumbed to sleep.

When the sound of her gentle snoring reached his ears, Remus laid back down on his bed, worry consuming his thoughts.

And then he began to pray.

When Remus woke up the next day, he discovered two things: the first was that he had regained some strength and didn't feel so lethargic; the second was that Lily was gone from the armchair. It seemed that even when she was utterly exhausted, she wouldn't permit herself to fully rest.

Tentatively, Remus swung his legs over the side of the bed and stood up. Having spent days in bed, the sensation was weird and he stumbled but caught himself before he fell. Slowly, he made his way out of the bedroom and joined Lily in the adjoining room.

The cottage was tiny. It consisted of only a bedroom, a small bathroom and a combined kitchen and living room, and it was there Remus found Lily darting around.

"Remus!" she greeted in surprise when she saw him. "You're up."

"I couldn't stay in that bed any longer," he told her, and then watched as she knelt on the kitchen counter and started opening the cupboards. "What are you doing?"

"Looking for food. There is none - I guess I used up our remaining stash." Lily let out a sigh and turned to face him. "I'm going to have to go out."

"No," he protested. "It's dangerous."

"But you need to eat! You need to keep your strength up and quite frankly, so do I. It's been a while since I've had something decent to eat. Anyway, it's always dangerous."

Guilt kicked in. "Let me go," Remus urged.

Lily jumped off the counter."Absolutely not. You're in no fit condition to. I won't be long, I promise."

Remus still wasn't certain. "Do you have that wand?"

Lily nodded and lifted up her jumper; it was tucked into her trousers.

"But will you be able to use it if you encounter anyone?"

"I hope so."

Lily picked up a fabric carrier bag from the counter, stuffed it into her pocket and began to head over to the door.

"Be careful, Lily," Remus said.

"Of course. Always. Remus, if I don't come back-,"

"You will come back," he cut in.

"But if I don't, don't come looking for me. Stay here and hide. You're more vulnerable than I am."

Remus didn't say anything in case Lily misconstrued it as a promise; she was out of the door before she even realised.

* * *

><p>The air was chilly and she found herself shivering. The jumper she was wearing was worn thin and had holes in it. Lily desperately wished she knew the spell to make her jumper thicker, bigger, <em>warmer<em>.

The dilapidated-looking cottage was surrounded by fields and woodland. She and Remus were lucky to have found somewhere so remote where, so far, patrollers, Snatchers and blood-proud wizards hadn't encroached upon. But it was only a matter of time. They weren't safe here; they weren't safe anywhere.

Lily wondered if she could risk sneaking into the nearby town and scavenge proper food, or whether it would be safer to stick to the woods and try to snare a rabbit and collect mushrooms. She decided on the latter, so she wouldn't be too far from Remus.

As she entered the woods, her guard went up further than usual: her ears were pricked for unusual sounds – sounds that could be human-, she inhaled deeply in order to detect emissions from a wand and she placed her hand instinctively over the wand in her trouser waistband – just in case.

The wand wasn't hers – she hadn't had her own wand in years. Instead, she'd stolen it off an unsuspecting wizard she'd walked by a month or so ago. Lily had to change wands frequently in case she was detected, but it was harder to steal wands nowadays – people were less careless with where they placed them. She shared the wand with Remus, though the two of them barely used it lest they were somehow traced. It wasn't as though they had a menagerie of spells to fall back on anyway – they'd been forced out of Hogwarts before they could learn any true survival spells – but they knew the basics and even they were enough to get by.

It was the right time of year for mushrooms to grow and Lily had long learnt to distinguish between the safe and unsafe ones. They were hardly appetizing but they were nutritious, which was all that mattered to her.

She spent about half an hour foraging for mushrooms when all of a sudden birds in a not-too-distant tree let out a collective squawk and flew away. The sound reverberated throughout the woodland and stopped Lily in her tracks, looking in the direction of the fleeing birds.

_Something must have startled them_, she immediately thought, her heckles rising. _Something that shouldn't be in the woods._

And then Lily began to panic. Whatever had startled them had been in the direction of the cottage. In couldn't be an animal, it had to be something bigger. Something unwelcome. Something human.

Lily was running before she knew what she was doing. She had charmed the cottage with a simple glamour charm (something that McGonagall had taught them in the safe house) to show a derelict house, but it would be easy to remove, especially if someone was looking for a disguised place. Remus didn't have a wand and he wasn't strong enough to fight off intruders.

She ran closer, then stopped and listened. She could hear footsteps and it sounded like they were from two people, maybe three. And they were heading away, in the direction of the cottage.

Her heart was beat frantically as she struggled to think what to do.

_Distract them!_ Her mind screamed.

Panicking, she grabbed the wand from her waistband and mentally ran through the short medley of spells she knew. Seconds later, she thrust her wand upwards and a flare shot into the air. Then she stood her ground and waited.

It was a futile gesture, she knew. Sure, the wizards or Snatchers – or whoever they were – would be distracted by the flare and would come and investigate. Then they'd see her and attack her and she'd have only the simplest of spells to use to distract them; they'd kill (or worse, capture) her and maybe, _maybe _they'd still end up finding Remus.

As she waited those long, agonising moments, she ran through defence spells in mind, trying her best to feel brave when all she felt was stupid.

There came the sound of rushing footsteps...

Her heart raced even more...

Her hands trembled as she held out the wand...

Then three Snatchers appeared, their eyes widening at the sight of a mere _girl _holding out her wand at them.

Determined to catch them by surprise, she uttered the first spell that came to her mind. "Expelliarmus!" she cried.

Quick as lightning, one of them countered, "Stupefy!"

And just like that, Lily Evans was captured.


	2. Chapter 2

**Title:** Love In a Hopeless Place 2/5  
><strong>Rating:<strong> R  
><strong>Warnings:<strong> Dark themes, some sexual content.  
><strong>Original Prompt:<strong> [Magical AU where Voldemort won the First War, preferably James and Lily don't know one another] Given her Muggle-born status, Lily is forced to work as an (escort/call girl/prostitute) in order to support herself in the wizarding world. The night she (meets/is hired by) pure-blood heir James Potter changes her life.  
><strong>Summary:<strong> Having been hiding out in the middle of nowhere to escape Voldemort's tyranny, Lily is captured by patrollers and subsequently offered as a prize to Voldemort's followers. James claims her as his own, in the process altering the course of his life – and hers too. Written for museme87 over on LJ for the Lily/James Holiday Exchange.

* * *

><p><strong>Part Two<strong>

"Well, well, well, what _do_ we have here?" a familiar voice drawled and immediately, Lily's blood turned to ice. She recognised that voice, had nightmares about the owner even though she hadn't looked upon him since he'd attacked Hogwarts in her second year, killed Dumbledore and subsequently claimed victory.

Lily was kneeling on the hard floor of the Ministry's Atrium. She was magically bound, but two of Voldemort's cronies flanked her and the monster himself stood before her ready to enact whatever horrors he saw fit. Maybe he'd torture information out of her and would try to find out what she'd been doing with a wand. Maybe he'd find out where she had been hiding all this time (though he already knew about McGonagall and her Resistance.) Maybe she'd be defiled. Maybe (and with any luck) she'd be killed; it meant breaking the promise she'd made to Remus that she'd never abandon him, but it was better than the alternatives. Although she was frightened, she refused to lift her gaze from the ground.

Sensing this, Voldemort used his powers to force her chin upwards, so she was looking into bloodshot yet menacing eyes.

She swallowed and he grinned.

"My men tell me that they found you in a woodland, yielding a wand. Is that true?"

She didn't answer and he took her lack of response as affirmation. Instantly, his eyes narrowed and filled with a frightful intensity. She suddenly felt as though she was being choked and she began to splutter.

"Muggle filth are not allowed to carry wands; in fact, you're hardly allowed to exist. Anyone caught with a wand is punished and you, girl, will be punished."

A crowd began to appear to watch the spectacle and through her choking, it made Lily's blood boil. These wizards – these _people_– derived satisfaction from watching the likes of Lily suffer and it disgusted her. Did these people ever have humanity?

She didn't know how often Voldemort personally enacted punishments and was surprised to find him doing so and not one of his many minions.

_Maybe he doesn't have much to do, now that he's gained power and become Minister_, she grimly mused.

_I hope he chokes me to death_, she then thought, as the pressure on her neck became unbearable and she keeled forward.

But as though he read her mind (and maybe he did; she'd heard rumours that he could), his choking hold on her ceased. She spluttered and gasped for air.

She was forced upwards by one of his men and magic again lifted her chin upwards.

"You're a pretty thing," he considered. "It would be a waste to simply kill you."

_No_! She thinks. Death she could handle – she was ready for it. It's what he had prepared for her if not that she couldn't bear.

"It's been a while since my men have had someone like you to play with. I think they would appreciate it greatly."

The wizards began to cheer.

Lily wanted to sob. She hated this monster with every bit of her heart, and she hated every single person who followed him unquestioningly. If she didn't think it would make her look weak she'd break down in tears, but this was the one weakness she couldn't stand to show in front of him – or any of them.

Imprudently she closed her eyes, not wanting to stare any longer at this man and not wanting to eye their 'audience' out of the corner of her eye. If she saw someone she knew, if she saw Severus staring on unfeelingly, her heart would break even though she thought it was long ago broken.

Voldemort looked at his men. "Which one of you wants her?"

Voices murmured, a few speculated, some debated and one or two called out.

_Am I to be sold to the highest bidder_? she thought wildly, trying not to contemplate what would happen to her in any of their hands.

"What a poor reception," Voldemort mused. "Maybe you would like to see more of her?"

People cheered and Lily felt sick, wondering exactly what it was he was about to show them.

Then a voice spoke. "I'll have her."

Silence descended, the hold on her chin vanished and heads turned in the direction of the authoritative-sounding voice.

Unwittingly, Lily lifted her own gaze upwards, making out a man staring right at her, his dark brown eyes fixed upon her own.

* * *

><p>From the mezzanine he looked down and observed. The usually packed Atrium was jammed-packed full of people, most of them the type who salivated after the Dark Lord. The Dark Lord himself was in the centre of it all, positively lapping up the attention tormenting the girl brought him.<p>

James watched the scene with absolute indifference. He followed Voldemort, but he wasn't so enraptured by him that he clung to the hem of his robes, like the fools below. But at the same time, he didn't look upon the people Voldemort so actively destroyed and feel compassion. He'd simply come the point where he didn't care about anything, even if that anything was an innocent Muggle-born girl about to be tortured by one of his kind.

Still, when the Dark Lord asked who wanted her, James found himself speaking out, his voice commanding such authority that everyone stopped to look at him.

Even the girl, whose hair was a long, red scraggly mess and falling in her face, lifted her face to look up at him. He encountered blank green eyes that demanded nothing from him. They demanded nothing from anyone.

James told himself he claimed her because he was bored, it had been a long, tiring day and because he'd been working endlessly at the Ministry and deserved a reward. It certainly wasn't out of pity for her.

He made his way down the stairs towards the crowd, and Voldemort looked at him much like a father might look upon his favourite son.

"Mr Potter," he greeted jovially. "How nice of you to join us. So you would like the Mudblood girl?"

James nodded in affirmation.

"Then she is yours."

The men surrounding them murmured in disappointment, but James didn't hear them. Instead he watched intently as the girl's eyes shut again and she visibly gulped.

"Indeed," the Dark Lord continued. "I believe she will make the most rewarding gift."

"Thank you, my lord," he replied, his voice devoid of any emotion. "Bring her to the fireplace," he instructed one of the henchmen.

"No," a voice called out and it took him a moment to realise that it was the girl speaking. "No," she said and she was louder this time, her eyes now open and alert. The two men beside her grabbed an arm each and began to drag her; she started to struggle, crying out in turn.

Her muffled cries filled the Atrium and everyone just looked on, unfeelingly. Then the Dark Lord took one look at her and struck her with a spell. She didn't protest after that.

Back at his grand manor house, the girl sat in front of the fireplace, with her legs drawn up and her head against her knees. She'd been in that position for the last hour.

At first, James had dismissed her and left her there, still bound. But then something (maybe it was his conscience, though he wasn't sure; he hadn't heard it in a long time) told him to go to her.

As he walked back into the reception room, he wasn't surprised to find that she hadn't moved a muscle.

_She looks as though she's given up fighting_, he thought and then inwardly sneered. If there was one thing he couldn't stand, it was weakness, no matter if their circumstances dictated it.

"Oi," he called out to her, but she didn't respond. He drew a little closer. "Oi!" he tried again. "Look at me."

Slowly, the girl lifted her head. He expected her eyes to be full of fear, but instead she looked at him properly for the first time, took in his face and then her eyes filled with surprise.

"What, expecting to find someone older? Creepier-looking, perhaps?" he mused. "They always do."

She said nothing; instead, she just looked at him as though she was waiting for something.

James looked down at the magical bounds around her wrists and ankles. They looked quite painful.

"I'll remove those for you. But don't try to escape," he said, his voice full of warning. Although he didn't believe she had enough fighting spirit left in her to try and do so.

He stepped even closer and drew out his wand.

Rather defensively, the girl drew her wrists towards her, but he just reached out and grabbed the sleeve of her jumper (which was a threadbare, pink mess that clashed with her hair) and with uncharacteristic gentleness, tugged her hands towards him.

She looked at him in uncertainty; he waved his wand and the bounds on her wrists were gone. Next, he removed the bounds on her ankles.

Instead of looking at him with gratitude, her eyes blazed with hatred and it was so intense, that for a moment all he could do was look at them.

_Her eyes are her only redeeming feature_, he mused. The rest of her was in a state. Her hair was too long, too dull and too tangled. And she was far too thin.

He took a step back so she could stand up. Her eyes now wary, she did so and backed up so she was touching the fireplace.

Just as James was beginning to think the girl was the passive type, the type too afraid of him to try and resist him, she lunged at him and began pounding his chest with her fists.

"Let me go!" she yelled. "_Let me go_!"

_There's her fighting spirit_, he thought, oddly glad of it. Despite her size, the girl packed powerful punches.

For the briefest moment he struggled to regain the upper hand, finally capturing her (already sore) wrists and holding them to him.

"Stop," he commanded. The authority in his voice stopped her in her tracks, just like it did with everyone else.

For a moment she just stared at him, eyes wild and frantic. Then she attempted to break free of him and he let her.

"Let me go," she repeated, though this time her voice was quieter and imploring.

"No." His answer was brusque.

"Please," she intoned. "I don't belong here."

"You stole a wand and used magic despite not having consent to do so. The Dark Lord believes that any Muggle found with a wand is to be punished and hence, your punishment is to be my prisoner." James relayed this to the girl as though he was reading it off parchment.

"And what do you believe?"

He didn't look her in the eye. "I believe that he is right."

She could not disguise the disgust on her face. "What are you going to do to me?" she demanded.

James shrugged. "I haven't decided yet."

Her fists clenched and her eyes shut. He could almost hear her thinking, "_Please don't hurt me. Please don't hurt me. Please._"

"Tell me your name," he suddenly said.

The girl did not say anything, but her fists clenched even more. Her lack of response only sought to annoy him.

"Tell me your name or I'll look into your mind and find it out myself."

The girl's eyes flew open and she looked at him in fury. James knew that if she thought she could get away with it, the girl would have punched him in the face.

"My name is Lily," she gritted out. "Lily Evans." The glare in her eyes warned him that James wasn't permitted to use it.

He ruminated the name over in his head; it sounded familiar but he couldn't place from where.

"Potts!" he suddenly called out, making Lily jump.

There was a pop and a sweet, elderly-looking elf appeared.

"Master?" Potts hovered on the spot and cast a look over at Lily. She wasn't surprised to see a new face.

"Kindly show Miss Evans to one of the guest rooms," he said, deciding he had had enough of this girl for now and wanted some solitude.

A look of surprise crossed the girl's face.

"Were you expecting the dungeons?" he inquired. Her lips pursed but she didn't answer. He looked at her and raised an eyebrow. "Potts? Also give Miss Evans a bath." His nose wrinkled. "She could do with one."

The girl glared and he smiled inwardly.

James made his way out of the room but just before he left, he turned to Lily and said, "Oh, and no doubt contrary to your belief, Miss Evans, I'm not going to hurt you."

He turned back around and caught a glimpse of startled but disbelieving eyes as he did so.

* * *

><p>The bath was warm and welcoming, but Lily barely noticed through her shock. Her sore arms were resting on the sides of the bath and she leant her head against the edge of the gigantic claw-foot tub whilst Potts stood on a stool and poured water over her hair, attempting to wash it. All the while, Lily kept her eyes closed and tried to keep from trembling.<p>

She was still trying to comprehend how she went from being in the middle-of-nowhere with Remus to being captured by Snatchers, to meeting the vile Dark Lord himself, to being here, in this man's house, as a toy presented by Voldemort. If this was an awful nightmare then she just wanted to wake up.

"Master James is not so bad," Potts tried to console her. "He is a good and kind master and treats his guests with the same respect he treats Potts!" The house-elf pauses thoughtfully. "If Master James seems cold and mean, Potts wants Missus Lily to know this is not so!"

Potts poured shampoo into Lily's hair and Lily lifted her head up off the side.

"Why are you telling me this?" Lily murmured.

The house-elf began to massage the shampoo into her hair. "Because, Missus Lily, Potts fears this will be hard to believe."

"It is." In Lily's brief meeting with James, she'd taken him to be a cold and heartless man, and one that she certainly would never warm to. A supporter of Voldemort would never be nothing but vile. Still, there was something familiar about him and that niggled at Lily. As soon as she had seen him properly, she'd been filled with surprise and a strong sense of familiarity, but she couldn't recall from where. Maybe she went to school with him; it had been so long since Hogwarts that she had trouble remembering faces.

Lily let out a sigh. The man was handsome with his jet-black hair, piercing brown eyes and sharp cheekbones, but this was masked by his incredibly cold and detached demeanour. When he looked at her, she felt her soul turn to ice and she wondered whether he'd grown to be so unfeeling or whether he'd always been that way. Still, no matter how trapped she felt, Lily conceded that she felt a little relieved at being offered to him rather than the older, slimier occupants of the Atrium, who no doubt would currently be committing unimaginable horrors on her. However, no matter his vow to not hurt her, Lily was not going to let her guard down; she didn't believe him in the slightest. Just because he didn't look like the monsters that had crowded around to jeer at her today didn't mean he wasn't one. After all, he had claimed her, hadn't he? And why would anyone want someone like her if not for nefarious purposes?

Having rinsed Lily's hair, Potts moved her stool so she was by Lily's left wrist. Gently, she lifted it up but it was painful enough to make Lily cry.

Potts tutted as she inspected Lily's wrist. "Awful, awful!" she murmured. "Potts will look for something to heal Missus Lily's wounds. Potts will be back!" With that, Potts vanished and Lily was left on her own.

If she had the energy, she would get up and try to leave. But Lily was in pain and felt weak – emotionally and physically. – There was no way she could escape, not tonight.

_Tomorrow_, she thought._ I will escape tomorrow._

Potts returned and brought a jar of salve, which she applied to each of Lily's wrists and then her ankles. It helped the pain immensely.

When she was ready, Lily stepped out of the bath on unsteady feet (too exhausted to care that she was standing naked in front of a stranger) and Potts dried her down and helped her into a nightdress and dressing gown. Lily didn't try to think who they belonged to; if they had belonged to a girl like Lily, she would be sick just thinking about what happened to her.

The house-elf Apparated Lily to a bedroom. In her tired state, she didn't take in much of the details other than it was small but had its own four-poster bed, complete with red curtains still tethered to the posts. Blithely, Lily wondered if four-poster beds were a standard requirement of every manor house.

"Missus Lily should get some rest now. Potts will see to you in the morning," Potts said as she helped Lily into the bed.

"Thank you, Potts," Lily murmured as the house-elf disappeared. She sat up and leant against the headrest, not daring to go to sleep despite the exhaustion she felt. Her eyes were trained on the shut door and truthfully, she expected James to walk in at any moment for her. If she was awake, she'd have more of a chance to fend him off.

But her body was tired and the residues of her wounds lingered. Soon enough, she felt herself reclining on the bed and despite her internal protestations urging her to stay awake, Lily was asleep in moments.

* * *

><p>In that moment between sleeping and being awake, Lily thought she was back at Hogwarts. The bed was soft like she remembered (and it had been so long since she had slept in a proper bed), the four-poster bed familiar and the angle at which the sunshine poured through the partially-opened curtains made her feel like she was high up in the sky.<p>

For a whole blissful minute, she believed she was safe from the world. Then suddenly it all came back to her: she wasn't at Hogwarts; she was at a strange (and possibly dangerous) man's house and she certainly wasn't safe.

Instantly, Lily shot straight up. How could she possibly have allowed herself to let her guard down and _sleep_? She should have been plotting her escape and trying to get back to –

Suddenly Lily let out a cry. _Remus_! She'd forgotten about Remus! At once, Lily threw off her bed cover and leapt off the bed, her strength having full returned. Potts had placed her now clean clothes on the chair in the corner and her worn-out shoes lay under it. She decided she didn't have enough time to waste getting changed from her nightclothes, but she hurriedly put on her shoes and dashed out of the door. She found herself out in a long corridor and for a moment she felt disorientated.

_Left or right_? Her mind demanded. She turned right, rushed down the corridor and found herself approaching the top of the grand staircase. Without a moment's pause she fled down them. She spotted the main entrance and headed straight for it; in her desperation, she didn't consider if it was safe to flee. Lily reached the large door, opened it – and found herself being flung backwards into the air, before landing hard on the floor.

Potts was there in an instant. "Missus Lily?" The house-elf's warm hand reached out for the side of Lily's head and Lily let out a low moan.

"Oh, Missus Lily should not have gone out of the door," Potts lamented. "Missus Lily should have waited for Potts to come and see you! Come now," she said, and helped Lily to stand up. "Is Missus Lily okay?" she asked, once Lily was standing.

Lily placed a hand on her lower back. "Not at this precise moment, no," she replied and then as an afterthought said, "Ow."

"Trying to escape, were you?" a voice drawled and Lily turned around to see James leaning against the doorframe of the reception room, dressed in his resplendent work robes. He looked her up and down, his cool eyes impassive as he took her in her dishevelled form. Lily felt glad that her white nightdress fell to her ankles and that her garish floral dressing gown was shapeless and loose-fitting; still, it didn't stop her from feeling violated by his penetrating gaze and she removed her hand from her sore back and tied up the sash of her dressing gown instead.

She looked at him, trying to decipher whether he was angry at her attempt to leave. He didn't seem as livid as she expected.

Trying not to look perturbed by him, she lifted her chin and stood her ground. "I have somewhere I need to be."

James gave an incredulous laugh. "You have somewhere you need to _be_? Do you not understand the concept of you being my prisoner?"

"You do not understand, I have to find-,"

"I don't care what you have to find; you're not going anywhere. That, Miss Evans, is the price of being caught."

"Look, I just need to see if my friend is okay and then I'll-,"

"You'll what? Come back? Don't be so ridiculous. Besides, I'm sure your friend is more than capable of looking after themself."

"It's not like that. He's ill! And if I don't see to him, he could die!"

"That is none of my concern."

"Well, it is mine!" Lily cried. "He's not like me or even you. He has a condition that makes him vulnerable and I cannot, I _will not_abandon him to Merlin knows what terrible fate awaits him!"

"If you leave this house you will be killed," James warned. "I told you that I wouldn't hurt you and whilst you stay within the confines of this house, I mean that. If you step outside you will die; there is no protection for the likes of you outside these walls and I most certainly will not offer you any."

Yet again the question of why she was here if he wasn't going to hurt her lingered, but this wasn't the time to delve into that.

"You can't expect me to just stay here and leave my friend to flounder!"

"Your friend is probably _dead _now! If he's as ill as you say he is, patrollers will have caught him and killed him. The Dark Lord does not take kindly to weaklings, especially if they're Muggle-born."

_And if they're half-blood werewolves_? she thought.

"No," she said, shaking her head violently. "_No_!" The anger and pain she suddenly felt was so intense that it caused a painting that had been hanging on the wall to fall down. When Lily endured such powerful emotions, she found her magic (which had no conduit to channel itself) combined with these feelings and unleashed itself in random outbursts. She was glad to see James jump as the painting clashed on the floor.

"I refuse to believe that he is dead," she told him softly.

"Believe what you will," he said as he waved his wand and fixed the painting back onto the wall, "it makes no difference to me."

At that moment she truly loathed him. How could anyone so freely allow someone to die without giving a second thought to their wellbeing? Even though James didn't know Remus and had no reason to care for him, she hated that his kind were so apathetic to the suffering people like her and Remus endured.

Lily knew full well that she couldn't escape from this place unless James let her go, but that possibility was low. And given that he knew she had stolen another wizard's wand, there would be no chance that James would be lax enough to leave his lying around. She couldn't find Remus herself; her only choice was to get her captor to find him, but the problem was making him willing.

She took a step towards him. "Couldn't you at least find out at the Ministry if he's been captured?"

James eyed her warily. "And why should I do that?"

"Because-," she began and instantly faltered, trying to think of a reason. "Because I need to know that he's okay and I need for him to know that I'm alive. If you grant me that, if you do this for me, I will-," she closed her eyes for a moment, then opened them, her gaze never leaving the floor. "I will give you my word that I will not try to resist you: I will not runaway, nor will I fight you; you will have me, all of me, at your bidding." With the implications of her statement laid bare, she looked up at him, only to find tumultuous, stormy eyes that surely matched her own.

For a moment, he didn't say anything, but when he did, he stepped closer to her and fleetingly, she was scared of what he might do to her. Instead, he threw her off by saying, "Why does he matter so much to you?"

Her eyes never left his. "Because he's the only thing I have left in the world and I can't lose him." She paused. "I don't expect someone like you to understand what that feels like."

His jaw grinded and his nose flared and Lily wondered if maybe, in actual fact, he did understand.

"Fine," he said. "I will find out at work if there have been reports of this person-,"

"Remus Lupin," she interjected.

"- being captured."

Her eyes widened in surprise. "You will?"

James gave her a curt nod. "But if he has been captured, I will do nothing to ensure his safety. And if he remains free, I cannot then communicate to him where you are."

She gave a nod of her own in understanding. Even if James genuinely was concerned for Remus' wellbeing, he could not seek to free him if he had been captured lest he garnered the suspicion of the Dark Lord. And if Remus was indeed still in the cottage, James couldn't risk communicating with him, be it by owl or otherwise; Voldemort might track his owl even if sent anonymously and there was always the chance that Remus would come and find Lily, which wouldn't be what James wanted.

"Thank you," she told him sincerely.

He seemed surprise by her gratitude, but said nothing. Instead, he Apparated to work and Lily was left alone in the hallway.

* * *

><p>Potts, who had disappeared when James had announced his presence in the hallway, reappeared as soon as he left.<p>

"Missus Lily, Potts has made you breakfast."

"Breakfast?" Lily had lost all sense of time and as if to remind her, her tummy rumbled with hunger. She followed Potts into the dining room, only to find the long dining table adorned with food.

"Is this all for me?" Lily enquired.

"Potts did not know what Missus Lily wanted for breakfast, so Potts cooked some of everything."

"Oh, Potts, you shouldn't have!" The sight of all this food truly astounded Lily; she had not seen anything this grand since Hogwarts and after years of scraps, the food all seemed incredibly tantalising. Up until that moment, Lily didn't think she'd be able to eat anything despite her hunger; the adrenaline from her encounter with James and the anxiety she felt about Remus had suppressed her appetite, but she felt these feelings ebb away.

Potts led her to a chair and Lily sat down and stared at food, overwhelmed and not knowing where to start.

"Potts, won't you join me?" She didn't know much about house-elves but knew dining with guests wasn't exactly protocol. But in the short time she'd known the elf, she'd taken quite a liking to her and wouldn't mind her company to ease her sense of isolation.

Potts' eyes widened. "Potts is not permitted to join guests when eating, Missus Lily!"

"Please, Potts? I would quite like some company and I don't have many options. Please? I won't tell your master, if that's what you're worried about..."

Potts twisted her hands together, conflict evident on her face. On one hand, she didn't want to disobey her master; on the other hand, she didn't want to upset his 'guest'.

"Okay," Potts finally decided. "But Potts will touch nothing; Potts will keep Missus Lily company, but only briefly."

Lily smiled. "That's all I ask."

Potts pulled out the chair beside Lily, but instead of sitting on it, she stood awkwardly on it instead. Lily noted that only when standing on the chair did Potts reach the same height as her.

Clearly at loss at what to do, Potts looked at the food.

"Would Missus Lily like Potts to serve you some food?"

Lily shook her head. "No, it's fine, Potts. I can manage. You just rest."

The idea of resting was certainly unheard of for Potts, who nervously fidgeted on the spot. As Lily shovelled toast, eggs, bacon and baked beans onto her plate, she decided to ask questions to sate her curiosity and to set Potts at ease.

"How long have you been working here, Potts?" she enquired.

Potts was startled by the personal question, but answered dutifully. "Potts has been working here for almost all Potts' life."

"That's a long time," Lily mused, between bites of food. "How have you found it?"

This question seemed to throw Potts off. "Potts has enjoyed every moment of it, Missus Lily. Even with the passing of the elder Potters, the Potter resident remains a wonderful place to work and the new master is kind to Potts."

Lily's fork dropped from her hand. "_Potter_? His surname is Potter?" Lily's hand drew to her mouth in shock and she felt the blood draining from her face. How did she not realise who James was, even when the signs had been staring her in the face? His name was James, he was young and she had seen the way Voldemort revered him – he'd even addressed him as Potter, but she hadn't been paying full attention then. Merlin, even his house-elf had a similar name! She had heard many tales of the notorious James Potter, one of Voldemort's most trusted aides and someone who was regarded as one of the most ruthless and cold wizards. And she was his captive. And she had asked him to find out about Remus!

Suddenly nauseated, she pushed her plate away and stood up.

"Excuse me, Potts; all of a sudden, I am not hungry anymore."

"Is Missus Lily alright?"

She shook her head. "I need some air."

Potts stepped down from the chair and went to other end of the dining room, where a giant set of doors overlooked the back garden, and opened them.

"Missus Lily can wander out here."

Lily looked at her in question.

"Missus Lily will not be hurt in the garden. The anti-Muggle charms lie at the edge of the land."

Lily nodded and made her way out, not caring that it was cold and she was still in her nightclothes.

The chilly air hit her hard, but she kept walking out on the grass. The garden was stunning with its various trees, bushes and ornaments, yet Lily didn't notice. Instead, she tilted her head up to the cloudy sky.

_Remus, what have I done? Have I made things worse? Merlin, I hope you're safe._

Still, Lily couldn't help but feel that despite his earlier display of sincerity, James was probably divulging about Remus to Voldemort right this instant, and who knew what her friend's fate would be? It was a well known fact that captured women were tortured and raped; for men, their fate was torture and death.

Not being able to go to Remus, not being able to help him – that was Lily's torment. She had never felt so helpless in her life and she tried to suppress the sobs that subsequently followed. The wind in the air picked up and blew violently through her hair, dried her tears and caused her dressing gown to flap in the wind; the coldness penetrated her skin and caused her to shiver tremendously. But Lily stayed outside, facing the cold and the wind and never taking her eyes off the sky. She didn't go back inside until Potts came out and urged her to.

* * *

><p>Much later, Lily awaited James' return. Dressed now in her own jumper and trousers (which seemed to be thicker than she remembered – maybe Potts had somehow altered them), she wandered the house, trying to pass the time until James came back from work. Potts hadn't told her she couldn't look around and James himself hadn't confined her to a specific place in the manor, so Lily took this as a sign that she could freely learn about the place she was now forced to stay in.<p>

The house, with its many rooms, winding staircases and eerie paintings on the wall, was much too big for Lily's liking. She couldn't understand how someone could live in this place with just a house-elf as company - surely it was a lonely existence?

_Maybe he wanted me for company_, she mused then snorted. There were better ways of finding company than imprisoning a Muggle-born girl.

The house didn't divulge much about its master, except for the fact that he wasn't a big fan of bright lighting, instead preferring dark rooms with candles in the air, and that he wasn't too big on colour in the house. There were no personal artefacts, no portraits of him or his family; the house was devoid of any clutter or any semblance of a home. This manor seemed like a place someone merely stayed in.

After a bit of wandering, Lily stumbled upon a library and instantly was both curious and overjoyed at her findings. How long had it been since she'd read a book – a _proper_book, not a stolen, tatty textbook? As she stepped in the oversized library and began to look around, she wondered if she remembered what that experience was like. There were shelves and shelves adorned with books and, gleefully, Lily ran her hand across the spines of many, taking it all in. At Hogwarts, the library had been the place of salvation for her and Remus when times started to grow tough and they began to feel isolated from their pure-blood counterparts. Books had been their way of escaping from a world they shouldn't have had to escape from, and as Lily breathed in the smell of old books, she was transported back to that time and place. It was funny how safe it felt compared to the place she was in now.

There was a book that caught her eyes: _A History of Magic_ by Bathilda Bagshot . Instantly, Lily smiled, picked the book up from the shelf and sat down on the floor with it. Everyone had hated that book at school; it had been far too long and boring for them to handle, but Lily always harboured a secret liking for it. As a Muggle-born who had known nothing about the wizarding world and Hogwarts, _A History of Magic_was not only her guidebook to an unknown world, but it was liking reading a wonderful story about a world that just so happened to be real. Just because the world she lived in now was completely different from that wonderful world she had fallen in love with, it didn't make her love the book any less.

Instantly absorbed, Lily began to read; the hours started to slip away and she barely even noticed.

* * *

><p>It was late evening when James finally returned home from work. It had been a busy day at the Ministry and he had spent most of it processing reports about Muggle transgressions, convictions, rehabilitations and deaths. Voldemort liked to keep a tight grip on the small, highly-regulated Muggle-communities that still existed, and part of James' job was to oversee this.<p>

He was exhausted by the time he Apparated home. Potts had his dinner ready on the table, which he immediately ate, before deciding that he'd better enquire as to Lily's whereabouts. Truth be told, he wasn't in the mood for company, especially the company of someone who would grow increasingly antagonistic when he divulged what he had discovered about her friend.

James was surprised when Potts informed him that the girl was in the library. He had expected her to be hiding in the guest room or plotting her escape, but instead she was in a room he barely visited, reading a book he despised.

He stood in the doorway and observed her. The hovering candles had moved close to her to provide her with light and they cast an appealing glow over her. He watched as her eyes darted across the pages, and there was something in those eyes that he had trouble identifying. _Passion_, he thought. _It's passion_. It was an unfamiliar sight and an equally unfamiliar feeling – and it almost intrigued him.

James stepped out of the shadows and into the light. He cleared his throat and Lily jumped a mile in the air.

Immediately, her eyes latched onto him.

"You," she said, clearly uncertain how to address him. "You're back." She closed the book and stood up, and the candles around her shot back up in the air. Wasting no time, she asked, "Did you find out about my friend?"

He nodded and drew a little closer to her. "Are you sure you want to hear what I found out? It's not good news."

"Yes," she answered instantly. "I have to!"

"Fine," he said and let out a sigh. "I made a few enquiries. A man by the name of Remus Lupin was taken by a Snatcher not too far from where you were taken."

The girl winced. "Was he hiding in a cottage?"

"No, he was out in the open."

She briefly closed her eyes. "I told him not to leave the cottage," she whispered.

James ignored this. "The Snatcher who took him wasn't from the same group who took you. This was a different Snatcher who operates mostly alone and on his own agenda."

The look on Lily's face suggested that she was uncertain what James was getting at.

"This Snatcher goes by the name of Sirius Black," he told her and watched her to gauge her reaction.

Straight away her face transformed to that of terror. "Sirius Black?"

Instantly, he knew what she was thinking: most Snatchers would bring those they captured straight to Voldemort, who would then determine their fate. Black, on the other hand, was renowned for taking it upon himself to subject his captors to intolerable cruelty and their eventual death, before handing them to the Ministry. The Dark Lord didn't seem to care too much about Black's methodology, so long as those who were against him were being dealt with. James himself had never directly dealt with Black, but considered him a law unto himself.

"That man has taken Remus? But that means he could be dead already!" the girl exclaimed. At least if it had been another Snatcher, she could have consoled herself with the fact that she might have a chance to go and save him – even though James knew that chance would never be granted to her.

"Black hasn't been known to keep pets."

Lily placed a hand to her mouth, clearly devastated. "Remus wouldn't last two minutes with that man in his state!"

"Maybe that's a good thing. He wouldn't have suffered for long."

The girl looked at him aghast and belatedly, he considered that what he just said sounded callous.

"Please, I need to be left alone," she announced in a broken voice.

Finding this situation uncomfortable, he nodded and walked away. It was only when he was at the doorway that he turned around to look at her. He watched as she collapsed to her knees and held her head in her hands as she began to sob. James imagined that her already fragile world was falling down all over again. Once upon a time, he'd known what that felt like too.

* * *

><p>Potts ran Lily a warm bath, which seemed to be her solution to everything. The house-elf didn't know the cause for Lily's absolutely distraught state and luckily didn't question her. Instead, she helped her into the bath, whispered soothing words and then left Lily as she cried her heart out in the bathtub.<p>

Lily wasn't exactly sure what she grieving about, since she didn't know whether Remus was truly dead or merely captured. However, it was more than likely that he was dead and that very thought broke her heart, but it was also the idea that she had abandoned him that caused her incredible pain. She couldn't stop thinking about what Remus must have gone through: he must have waited for Lily in the cottage and when she hadn't turned up, he'd probably gone out to look for her, incredibly worried about her. He would have been weak and would have required another potion, but he was the most persistent person she knew and he would have stopped at nothing to find her.

How long had he looked for her in the woods before he was captured? A minute? An hour? And had he given up hope of ever finding her, or was he captured before his hope had let out?

And what then? What did Sirius Black do to him? Did he torture Remus? Did he somehow find out about him being a werewolf and thus elicit the worst kind of pain on him? The speculation was driving Lily insane. She wanted nothing more than to go out and find her friend still alive and then take them both away to safety, but how could she? Lily didn't have the luxury of freedom and it seemed that now Remus no longer did either. Remus no longer had anything.


	3. Chapter 3

**Title:** Love In a Hopeless Place 3/5  
><strong>Rating:<strong> R  
><strong>Warnings:<strong> Dark themes, some sexual references.  
><strong>Summary:<strong> Having been hiding out in the middle of nowhere to escape Voldemort's tyranny, Lily is captured by patrollers and subsequently offered as a prize to Voldemort's followers. James claims her as his own, in the process altering the course of his life – and hers too.

**A/N:** Just a couple of things: I've made a few alterations from the story that was originally posted on LJ, but these are mainly necessary tweaks and adjustments to the timeline etc. Also, just to reiterate (because this is something I'm worried about), this story was written for an exchange, with a word limit (which I more than exceeded!) and a time limit, so what could essentially have been a really long multi-chaptered fic is a story that consists of five parts, so I apologise if things seem to move too fast. Also, here is a list of things museme87 wanted to see in her gift (which will explain the scene at the end of this chapter): arrogant!James, sassy!Lily, clashing personalities, witty banter, angst, background Remus/Sirius, Remus and Lily as close friends, politics, instances that highlight the differences between James and Lily's backgrounds, insights into wizarding culture, sexual tension that can be cut with a knife, Lily with short hair, and arranged marriages (that may lead to infidelity).

Many thanks to those who left reviews!

* * *

><p><strong>Part Three<strong>

She sat on the edge of her bed, hands clasped together, trying to find solace in the darkness. There was a tap on her door, before it opened and someone stepped through. She knew who it was before she even looked up.

James cast one look around the bedroom before enchanting the lamp on the bedside table to light up. The sudden brightness of light temporarily blinded Lily and she looked up at him in annoyance.

"You've not come out of your room for a week," James mused, by way of announcing himself.

"I've had no reason to," she replied sharply. She eyed him cagily as he began to head toward her, wondering if he was choosing now to cash in her promise of giving herself to him, in exchange for finding out about Remus. If that was his intention, Lily wouldn't be able to bear it - she wasn't even fit for company right now.

But James didn't seek to touch her. Instead, he went to sit on the same side of the bed as her but at the other end.

"A body was sent to the Ministry today. It has yet to be formally identified, but I have reason to believe it is that of your friend."

The girl said nothing, but he didn't miss the way her lip trembled at this news and how she desperately tried to rein in her emotions.

Lily stared at James. His expression was impassive as always and she tried to search for a sign in his face that at least hinted at compassion. Inwardly angry at how unaffected he seemed by all this when she herself was struggling to keep herself together, made her want to see some sort of reaction from him – a glimpse of sympathy or even remorse at what his people did to the likes of her. Anything, so long as it wasn't indifference.

"Remus was my best friend and had been for a long time," she informed him, her eyes never leaving his face. "Remus' father was a wizard and his mother was Muggle; if his father had been of high breeding, maybe he would have been accepted into your world when things began to change. But his father wasn't and Remus, along with me, was shunned by many wizards at school when tensions started rising. At least, that's what I tell myself – a change of status and Remus' life could have been very different. But the truth is, even if Remus had been a pure-blood, he would have been seen as the scum of society." Lily knew her eyes were gleaming and tried desperately to stave off the onslaught of tears. "When Remus was a child, he was subjected to the most vicious of attacks. His body was ripped apart and he was sent to St. Mungo's. The medi-witches weren't even sure that he'd live. But Remus survived and ultimately pulled through, yet his life came at a price: the monster that attacked Remus was a werewolf."Lily noted with disgust that James visibly flinched at this revelation. Even though Voldemort had recruited werewolves to help him gain power, they were still seen as lowbred. "And that's when Remus became a werewolf. No one deserves to become a werewolf, but to me, Remus was the most undeserving. It wasn't in his nature to be vicious or angry, and every time that he transformed, he really fought to stay in control and not lose sight of his humanity. But every time, he inevitably failed.

"Remus wasn't sure if he'd be able to go to Hogwarts because of his condition, but Dumbledore, knowing that Remus was more boy than werewolf, permitted him to go and he even had the Whomping Willow planted the year we started, to allow way for a safe passage for him to transform. His condition made him guarded and incredibly introverted and he was afraid of making friends in case they found out what he really was. He sat at the back of the classroom and spent all his free time hiding in the library, hoping to pass his time unnoticed by anyone else.

"When I started Hogwarts, I had one friend. He was a wizard and upon finding out I was magic, encouraged me to accept my place at Hogwarts. I was uncertain; I had no idea about the wizarding world and did not want to abandon my sister. But the promise of another world enthralled me and I eventually accepted. I loved Hogwarts the moment I started, but the fairytale ended a few months later. As you might know, there was talk of a dark wizard who wanted to take over the country and wanted to get rid of those who weren't pure-blood, or at least those who weren't pure-blood and didn't support him. At first, it was easy to pretend he didn't exist, but the threat of him loomed and Hogwarts became a hard place to be in. I remember tensions were fraught between pure-bloods and those who weren't, fights broke out and the teachers had trouble reining everyone in. That wizard friend I had couldn't cope with his friends teasing him about our friendship and he distanced himself from me, even though he was half Muggle – something I found hard to deal with.

"I remember that during second year, many parents chose not to send Muggle-borns back to Hogwarts as there were rumours of a pending war between the Dark Lord and those who opposed him. Many people – those of Muggle birth and even those who weren't – were smart enough to move country, but I foolishly did not tell my parents of the problem. In my naivety, I believed the threat would dissipate, and because I couldn't bear not being at Hogwarts, I returned for my second year. What I should have done was warned my family and given them – and myself – the best possible head start. Second year was awful. I was one of only a few Muggle-borns there. By that point, we started to feel out of place and we felt like we weren't meant to be there. We were also vilified by some pupils who held a snobbish view about their blood-status. It wasn't many pupils, but it was enough for me to lose my confidence and I began to stay in the library during my spare time.

"Not long afterwards, I noticed that Remus was a regular dweller too, and I approached him. He wasn't keen on the idea of company but I think I wore him down after a while." Lily permitted herself the smallest of smiles as she reflected on this memory. "Our friendship began and we were inseparable. Remus tried his best to hide his secret from me, but it wasn't long before I grew suspicious and confronted him. Maybe it's because I'm Muggle-born, but his being a werewolf didn't faze me; after all, it wasn't his fault that he was the way he was. There wasn't much I could do to help him during his transformations, but I supported him as best as I could.

"Having him as a friend made everything better and I felt as though the two of us could weather the pending storm. If only I'd known how big that storm would be. At the end of second-year, the Dark Lord, having caused the Ministry to fall, came to attack Hogwarts – maybe you were even there when it happened." James looked around the same age as her and she wondered where he'd been on that day. "To me, it still seems surreal that he saw Dumbledore as the only great enemy standing in his way of power, and he was determined to topple him. And he did. No one was prepared for the attack and with the time given, Dumbledore tried his best to protect Hogwarts' pupils and teachers. But we had nowhere to go. The Dark Lord then engaged in battle with Dumbledore in the Great Hall..." at this point, Lily's voice began to crack as she recalled the incident, but she continued reciting her story even though James might well have known all the details. "He clearly had some powers that Dumbledore did not possess, for he was able to overcome him... and kill him." She swallowed and the tears she had done so well at hiding, began to fall freely. "Everyone just stood around in shock, not knowing what to do. Remus and I were frozen in our place, unaware that Death Eaters would come swarming in to take anyone that wasn't pure-blood or who was against the Dark Lord. By the grace of God, we managed to escape." Lily closed her eyes as the scene played in her head. She remembered the bewilderment that had glued her and Remus in their place. She recalled the shock of her teachers. She remembered the sight of many Death Eaters rushing in to take over where the Dark Lord had left off. She remembered feeling panicked, incredibly scared and uncertain what to do. And then out of nowhere, someone grabbed their hands and led them away. It was a boy who seemed to understand fully the seriousness of the situation. He had known instantly what the Death Eaters were after and having recognised the two of them as not being pure-blood, he had led them to a secret passageway that would take them out of Hogwarts and instructed them to go down it. Confused and frightened, they agreed and began running down the passageway. For one moment, Lily had been able to turn around to look at the boy. He was someone she recognised from her House but didn't know well. He had messy, black hair and his glasses had been cast askew, but she'd never forgotten his face or the intense, worried look in his eyes as he watched them leave. And she'd always, always be grateful for what he did that day. Undoubtedly, he had saved hers and Remus' lives.

She didn't tell James about the boy, because he was her secret and the one memory she would not permit the Dark Lord to have.

When she stopped to study James, she was surprised to find a maelstrom of emotions evident in his eyes. _He's not so indifferent after all_, she thought. He seemed to be miles away and maybe he was thinking of that day too – maybe he had witnessed what she had done.

Lily carried on. "After we escaped, we found ourselves in Hogsmeade. Someone who had heard about the atrocities took us in and we stayed with them for a few days, before they passed us onto a safe house. As you probably know, Professor McGonagall had escaped Hogwarts and established a safe house for people like Remus and me. We spent a few years there, hidden from the Dark Lord's watchful eye. We even made friends with some of the others hiding there. McGonagall couldn't teach us magic because we would have been traced and we had to get rid of our wands. Instead, we had to make do with textbooks and demonstrations by her. There weren't many of us in the safe house – probably about thirty, but there were other adults who looked after us too – they were the ones who told me about my family's fate. They were part of the Resistance and were training us up to eventually join them. But then of course, that never happened, did it? The Dark Lord found out about the safe house and he captured many of us, including McGonagall. Remus and I were lucky again; we were able to escape, but just barely. We spent the next two years on the run, hiding in the countryside and trying to keep out of trouble. We were doing fine until Remus got struck down by an illness and of course, you know the rest." She fixed him with a trembling smile. "So you see, Remus and I have been through so much together. The idea of never getting to share anything with him ever again torments me."

James looked at her and swallowed. "He sounds like he was a good friend." And there was something in his voice that hinted that he had no idea what that was like.

"The best."

"I am sorry about your friend," he told her, and his voice was gruff and uncertain in its conviction. Lily looked on at him, glad for the apology.

"You and I must have been in the same year at school," James said, changing the topic. "But I don't remember you."

"Then my hiding act worked well," she mused. "You look sort of familiar, but it's hard to tell from where." For all she knew, James could have been in the same classes as her but people grew up and changed and memories of faces blurred after a while; faces of people alive were confused with people who were dead and she couldn't even distinguish names - all the names she remembered now seemed to be from an ever extending cenotaph.

Silence fell and the discomfort between them grew. James cast a look at Lily, who seemed to have fallen back into glumness. He didn't know why he had come to see her. Potts was more than capable of checking up on the girl and James was hardly the comforting type. But he'd come home from work, eaten dinner by himself and then, whilst on the way to his chambers, found himself in Lily's room instead. It was a long forgotten feeling that had urged him through the door and later, when James had thought about it, he would remember that feeling was concern.

"You know that I will never give up on one day finding Remus alive, don't you?" Lily suddenly announced.

"You know that's unlikely to happen, don't you?"

"It doesn't matter; it's the only thing I cling to right now."

James didn't say anything, rather sensing that this was the time to leave.

He stood up.

"You said that you weren't going to hurt me," the girl said. "But are you going to eventually kill me or keep me here forever?"

"It depends," he said through gritted teeth. "Are you going to keep asking all these questions?"

She glared at him.

"I know what you're going to ask, but the answer is no, I won't set you free. Even if I wanted to – and I can't particularly say I do -, people know what you look like and would be onto you the moment you were freed. And setting you free wouldn't exactly endear me to the Dark Lord."

Lily let out a sigh. "Then will you ever tell me the reason why you have me here?"

But James just looked at her, his face now a carefully concealed mask, before walking out the door, and Lily briefly wondered if he even knew himself why he had her in this place.

* * *

><p>For the next few days, James left Lily alone and in that time, she tried to set her grief aside and focus on a plan. Even though James had told her that Remus was more than likely dead, Lily refused to give up on that small possibility that he was still alive until she found out for herself. James claimed he wouldn't let her go, but was it possible that she could wear him down enough for him to agree to free her?<p>

In the time she had to dwell on things, she had concluded that James wasn't quite what he seemed. Lily was hardly an expert on how Voldemort's aides acted in their own homes, but she was certain that the majority of them didn't give their Muggle-born 'prize' a guestroom, plenty of food, free access around the house and for the most part, would largely ignore them. They definitely wouldn't inquire to the whereabouts of said 'prize's' friend, nor would they sit down and listen while that person grieved for what they had lost.

When she was first taken by James, she thought him menacing and vile, yet she had started to think there was more to him that that. James had a dark past – she could sense that much. He was also cold and abrasive, which was to be expected being around the likes of Voldemort, but she also wondered if that behaviour was a front for something else. He had kept his word and not hurt her, which made her wonder about him even more. If he had any motives then she didn't understand them; she didn't understand him at all. To her, he just seemed lonely and very much lost, and if that's mainly what there was to him, perhaps she could use that to her advantage.

So far, Lily had kept out of his way. Last week she had been so distraught about Remus that she hadn't left her room. This week, she had ventured out but had managed to avoid James, wandering the house when he was at work, eating at different times when he was present and staying in the library to while away the hours in the evening. She could tell that James preferred it that way, but now she had decided that in order for him to ever decide to let her go, she needed him to know her. It meant eating with him, trying to talk to him and learn about him, and making him aware of her presence. That it would all probably annoy the hell out of him was an added bonus.

* * *

><p>She started by being present at the dinner table when he came home. He'd been surprised when he saw her there but did his best to quickly disperse that look. He greeted her with a curt, "Miss Evans," and sat opposite her. They ate in silence and a frown formed on his face. It didn't leave at the end of dinner, nor did it leave his face at breakfast the next day, nor dinner after that. The frown persisted when she continued to eat with him the rest of the week.<p>

James only ever greeted her with a detached "Miss Evans" and spent the rest of their duration together ignoring her. Lily, on the other hand, would study him surreptitiously. In the mornings, he would eat the same breakfast everyday: porridge, a banana and a cup of tea. He never seemed eager to go to work and would leave seconds before the clock struck nine. In the evenings he would come back looking absolutely exhausted and would hungrily devour whatever meal Potts had cooked for him. After that, he would retire to his study where he seemed to do an ongoing amount of paperwork.

A few days after Lily began this ritual, she finally received more than his usual greeting when she walked into the dining room at breakfast and he fixed her with a scowl, seeming more irritable than usual.

"Must you always wear that awful jumper?" he demanded, putting down the newspaper he'd been reading.

She raised an eyebrow and went to sit opposite him. "I'm sorry," she remarked rather coolly. "It's just that every morning I struggle to decide what to wear from the wardrobes full of clothes I own, so I just wear the same thing everyday instead."

"Well it's ugly," he informed her. "And it clashes with your hair."

"Funnily enough, finding a jumper to go with my hair wasn't my top priority over the years," she replied, as she helped herself to some toast and some orange juice. "I can't imagine why."

His scowl deepened and he went back to reading the paper, and Lily looked on, bemused.

* * *

><p>In the afternoon, Lily returned to her favourite place in the manor, James' library. She had finished <em>A History of Magic <em>and had recently stumbled upon some other school books that kept her enthralled. Reading them transported her back to a place of structure and knowledge, and she enjoyed those moments of escapism.

Rifling further through James' collection, she let out a tiny gasp of joy when she discovered _The Standard Book of Spells, Grade Three_. It was one of the first books McGonagall had taught from in the safe house, and it had instilled a sense of normality to everyone's then chaotic lives. It didn't beat being in Hogwarts and getting to practise the spells –that was the one thing Lily missed more than anything - but it was something they had all taken comfort from.

Lily did what she used to do back then: she began to recite all of the spells, starting from the very first. She looked at the spells, closed her eyes, pretended she had a wand in her hand and then whispered each one aloud.

The hours in the library melted away and it was dark before she knew it; Lily was existing in a world of Cheering Charms and Boggart Banishing spells, imagining that she was really casting them. As she reached the end of the book, she found a warming charm which made her realise how cold she was, and instantly, she shivered. It was freezing in the library and her jumper, despite Potts somehow making it thicker, didn't provide sustainable warmth. So she memorised the spell, closed her eyes, held her hand out and whispered, "_Tepidus_."

She felt a sudden warmth rush up her arm and through her body. Lily's eyes still shut, she imagined that the spell had really worked. And then she smiled.

* * *

><p>From the doorway, he lowered his wand, watching as his warming spell fused through her. Lily was oblivious to his presence and the smile she conjured at reciting the spell momentarily stunned him.<p>

When Lily hadn't shown up for dinner, he had decided to see where she was. Although James hadn't been too happy about Lily's constant presence around him, he was adjusting to it and he also decided that her change in attitude towards him was her way of coping with her grief, and that needing to be around someone – him for that matter- was a symptom of that. He thought that he would despise her ever-present company, but she hadn't been too bad.

And now he was watching her conjuring pretend spells and there was something about that that struck him as poignant. Usually, James would sneer at such displays of sentimentality, but there was something heartbreakingly desperate about her shivering in the cold and whispering spells that she couldn't make happen, and he found himself raising his wand and conjuring the warming charm for her before he even knew what he was doing.

Up until that moment, James had always taken his birthright and his right to possess a wand for granted. In all the Muggle-born cases he had dealt with, he had never stopped to consider how hard it must have been for them, even though he saw them subjected to the very worst kinds of living conditions because of who they were. And yet the presence of this girl in his house was making him start to second guess everything.

Feeling confused, he left Lily alone and headed for the study, making a mental note to ask Potts to make the library warmer.

* * *

><p>"Potts?" Lily called out, the next day.<p>

Potts immediately appeared in the bathroom, where Lily was standing in front of the full-length mirror.

"Potts, do you have a pair of scissors that I could use?"

The house-elf's eyes widened. "Scissors, Missus Lily?" And the anxious look on her face suggested to Lily that Potts hadn't quite forgotten the episode where Lily had been so upset about Remus, she had all but drowned herself in the bathtub.

"I need to it to cut my hair," Lily assured her. If she was going to harm herself, inflicting herself with a pair of scissors wasn't going to be it.

Potts' eyes widened even further, if that was possible. "Missus Lily wants to cut her hair? But why?" She stared adoringly at Lily's brightly coloured hair, which fell to her waist.

Lily stared at her reflection in the mirror. "Because I'm twenty-two years old and I haven't cut or styled my hair for almost ten years now. When I look in the mirror, I see a little girl, who is weak and fragile and doesn't know how to cope with the world. I don't want to be that person anymore. Please, Potts?"

Still looking as though the prospect of Lily cutting her hair would break her heart, Potts vanished and returned moments later with a pair of scissors.

"Does Missus Lily want Potts to cut her hair for her?"

"No thank you, Potts. This is something I want to do myself."

"But Potts will stay and watch. Just in case Missus Lily needs help," Potts squeaked and Lily smiled.

"If you wish, Potts."

Lily took the scissors and looked back at the mirror. Her desire to cut her hair had burgeoned over the years. She used to want to do it during her stay at the safe house, in order to try and feel like a normal schoolgirl who cared about things like how her hair looked. And then when she was on the run, she wanted to cut it so it wasn't in the way. Now it just stood as a reminder of those painful years. Being captured and having to deal with the loss of Remus made her feel weak and useless, and she didn't want to feel that way. Cutting her hair was her solution; it wouldn't restore her inner strength, but it would put her on the path to help her find her way again.

She raised the scissors and tried to find a reasonable length to cut off. She settled on just above her shoulders and took a glimpse of her nervous, green eyes reflecting back at her. Taking a deep breath, she hacked off a strand of hair. She heard a cry and thought it was her, and then giggled when she saw that it was only Potts, whose hands were clasped over her mouth in shock at the spectacle.

"Don't worry Potts, it will look fine!" Lily said, before proceeding to cut off the rest of her hair. Strands fell to the floor as she deliberated lengths, twirled strands around her index finger and then cut them off. After what seemed like seconds, Lily's hair was considerably shorter and she examined the finished results. Her hair was now just under her chin. The cut wasn't particularly straight or smooth – but she loved it.

"Potts, I have cheekbones!" she exclaimed. "And look at my eyes, they look so green!" She twirled around in front of the mirror, loving the way her hair now had life, and loving the way it now framed her face, showing off defined cheekbones and angular features. Even the freckles across her nose were more noticeable. Lily was so happy that she couldn't stop giggling.

Potts gave Lily an encouraging smile. "Missus Lily looks beautiful," she informed her, but couldn't quite hide the sad look that crossed her face when she looked at the fallen strands of hair on the floor.

* * *

><p>"Miss Evans?" James called as he stepped Apparated into the reception room, juggling both his briefcase and large package in his hand.<p>

Lily came out of the dining room where she'd been waiting.

"Yes?" she said, just as James dropped his package and bent down to pick it up.

"I have something here-," he began, standing back up and immediately stopped when he took a look at her.

"What have you done to your hair?" he demanded, his eyes wide with shock.

"_Obviously_, I've cut it," she replied.

"But-," he began and she watched as his mouth opened and closed several times. He tried again. "You look-,"

"Better?" she volunteered.

"Different," he supplied. He eyed her up and down. "Definitely different."

"You _have_ always looked at my hair as though it were the scourge of the planet."

"Yes, but I didn't realise you were going to hack it all off," he said and then wrinkled his nose. "It looks like it's been attacked by a horde of doxies."

"I do so appreciate your compliments," she informed him and James rolled his eyes.

"Anyway, as I was saying, I have something for you," he announced and held out the package in his hands.

Surprise crossed her features. "That's for me?" She looked up at him, confused.

James nodded.

"What is it?"

"Take it and see!"

Hesitantly, she reached out for the package, which seemed to be a thin box wrapped in brown paper. She took off the paper, which revealed the white box underneath. The frown which had developed on her face deepened, and slowly she lifted the lid off the box. Her widened eyes were almost popping out of their sockets when she saw was in it. Gently, she lifted the item out of the box.

"You got me a jumper?" she whispered, unable to hide the shock from her voice.

James shrugged. "Winter's coming. It's getting colder. Your jumper is _useless _and let's not forget that I hate the bloody thing."

He meant all that, but the truth was James had been wandering around Diagon Alley during his lunch hour and found himself standing in front of a window display of women's clothing. A white jumper caught his eye, and immediately his mind conjured up the image of Lily shivering in her threadbare one. It was a sudden compulsion rather than a deliberate decision that made him walk into the shop and purchase it.

"I can't accept this," she said.

It was his turn to frown. "Why not?"

She fingered the soft, delicate material. "Because this is too much. No one has given me something in such a long time – and even so, never as fancy as this." And if she accepted it, would he expect something from her in return? And if so, what? She had nothing to give him.

"Miss Evans, it's yours," he said in a tone that left no room for argument. "Anyway, I think dinner is ready." And with that, he walked out of the room.

Lily stared after him, still in a state of disbelief. How had she gone from shocking him with her haircut, only for him to turn the tables and surprise her with a jumper?

* * *

><p>After dinner, in which she remained too stunned to attempt conversation, she went and had a bath. She found great amount of joy in dunking her head in the warm water and washing her newly-cut hair.<p>

Then afterwards, she retired to bed, taking the jumper back out of its box and trying it on. It was cosy, a perfect fit and offered a welcoming warmness, and she decided it must have been charmed with magic. Lily wrapped her arms around herself and let out a content sigh. Feeling like a new woman, she fell asleep with a smile on her face.

When she woke up the next morning, she was happy to see that she was still wearing her jumper and that she hadn't imagined it. She was dismayed, however, to find that her hair had returned to its original length.

* * *

><p>She trudged into the dining room with a scowl upon her face. James looked up when he saw her enter, took one look at her and let out a genuine laugh.<p>

Although the sound of him actually laughing surprised her, she ignored it and her scowl transformed into a glare.

"It's not funny," she snapped.

"To you maybe," he mused. "But it is to me."

"I forgot that my hair only remains cut if my hair is trimmed with magic," she informed him glumly. When Lily was younger and experiencing random outburst of magic, one of the symptoms would be that after her hair was cut, it would grow back to its normal length overnight. Even when she was at school, that trait continued and she found that only magic would stop it from doing so.

Feeling decidedly despondent, she could manage only a cup of tea. James, on the other hand, finished eating his breakfast and looked at her with a certain thoughtfulness, his eyes dancing around her face. He then looked at his watch and then back at her.

He stood up. "Come with me," he said.

Lily looked at him. "What?"

"Come with me," he repeated. Lily followed him without question and found herself in the bathroom she used.

James placed his hands on Lily and walked her to the front of the full-length mirror.

"What are you doing?" she asked in confusion.

"You'll see," he said, taking out his wand. He muttered a spell and the end of his wand glowed. Carefully, he picked up a strand of her hair and applied the wand to it; instantly, the hair below it fell off.

Lily let out a gasp. He was cutting her hair! Flabbergasted, she watched in the mirror as James intently repeated the process with the rest of her hair. Every now and then, his fingers would brush the nape of her neck, sending shivers down her spine. His fingers were deft and surprisingly careful and her eyes followed them in the mirror as he moved around. When he was mostly done, he turned her around so she was facing him and took hold of the front strands of her hair.

His eyes were glued to her hair but her gaze was transfixed to his face. Lily noted that his eyes were full of intense concentration – and she found them mesmerising.

Every time his fingers brushed against her skin, she found her body tingling at the strange sensation. No man had ever touched her before – Remus didn't really count – and his fingers against her skin made her nerves dance.

When James was finished, he brushed her hair out of her face and gently lifted her chin up to examine the results. He removed his hand from her chin and ran it through her hair, as though he couldn't resist doing so, and Lily suppressed a gasp at the sensation. He gave her an accomplished smile and her eyes widened, but her heart was pounding.

"All done," he said, turning her back around to see the results. She marvelled at what she saw: her hair was an inch longer than she had previously cut it; it was more even and better shaped.

James took his hands off her shoulders and she felt a sudden loss.

"Do you like it?" he inquired, oblivious to Lily's overwhelmed state.

Lily swallowed and managed a smile. "I didn't realise that the Ministry Man also harboured a secret desire to be a hairdresser."

He laughed and this time, Lily was paying full attention when he did so. When James laughed, he seemed younger, carefree and utterly captivating. It seemed a waste that he didn't laugh all the time.

"One day I'll fulfil my lifelong ambition," he told her and Lily gaped. Had he just made a joke?

James looked at his watch again. "I better get to work."

Lily nodded dumbly. "Thank you," she managed to say. "For this," she said pointing to her hair.

His eyes were vibrant and full of something she couldn't quite identify – and they were fixed on hers.

"Goodbye, Miss Evans," he said.

"Bye," came her soft reply, just as he Apparated away.


	4. Chapter 4

**Title:** Love In a Hopeless Place 4/5  
><strong>Rating:<strong> R  
><strong>Warnings:<strong> Dark themes, some sexual references.  
><strong>Summary:<strong> Having been hiding out in the middle of nowhere to escape Voldemort's tyranny, Lily is captured by patrollers and subsequently offered as a prize to Voldemort's followers. James claims her as his own, in the process altering the course of his life – and hers too.

* * *

><p><strong>Part Four<strong>

Later, Lily snuggled on the sofa with her new jumper and better haircut, and wondered if this is what she had in mind when she planned to wear James down, in hope that he'd let her go. She must not have thought it through properly, because she certainly didn't expect to see his icy demeanour defrost and for her to see sides she didn't think were there: the caring side, his surprising side and the side that hinted at a sense of humour.

It was her reactions to this new side of him that worried her. When he surprised her by cutting her hair for her, she'd been captivated by his gentleness and the deftness of his touch – and even attracted to him. This concerned her because even if he turned out to be this wonderful person really deep down, he was still a top man of Voldemort whose purpose was to hinder her kind.

Was Lily turning into one of those people who grew sympathetic (and eventually devoted) to their captors? Did these confused feelings of attraction stem from the fact that James was the only human she was interacting with? Lily wasn't sure. All she knew was that she was slipping into dangerous waters and that she had to be careful that she didn't drown.

* * *

><p>The days passed and Lily began to notice something change between her and James. Small talk existed when previously uncomfortable silence fell and they began to grow accustomed to each other. It wasn't a friendship and neither would ever reveal too much of themselves for it to be one, but it was something.<p>

As nice as their arrangement was, Lily was a long way off getting James to the point where he'd conceivably let her go and part of her worried she'd never get there.

Things, however, took an unexpected turn when Lily received a letter from James whilst he was away at work.

_"Miss Evans_," the letter read. "_The Dark Lord has requested an audience with his top aides and thus has asked for us all to convene for dinner, at my house. For your own safety, I ask that you stay in your room until I tell you that it's safe to leave. I will try and ensure that he does not stay for long_."

Lily stared at the letter in shock. Voldemort was coming to James' house? She knew she should have expected it sooner or later: the Dark Lord considered James a close associate and it was likely that he had visited James' house many times. Still, the thought of being anywhere near that man again absolutely terrified her.

Potts came into the reception room, where Lily had been sitting.

"Master James asked me to give you this," she said, holding out a silver, fluid-like material.

Lily took it. "What is it?" she inquired, not recognising what it was.

"It's Master James' Invisibility Cloak, Missus Evans."

"An Invisibility Cloak?" Lily had heard such things existed, but she'd never seen one before. She held it out and examined it. "What do I need it for?"

Potts looked uncomfortable. "For tonight, Missus Evans. For added protection."

"_Oh_." The doubts Lily had that James was treating her in a way he shouldn't be were now confirmed: if James was doing everything by the book, she wouldn't have to hide from Voldemort. The question of why he was treating her differently lingered in her mind. Should she be worried? And if Voldemort were to discover Lily in the house, live and very well, what would he do to her – and to James?

Lily spent the rest of the afternoon fretting about the Dark Lord's visit. When the evening approached, Lily retreated to her room and sat on her bed, the Invisibility Cloak wrapped around her like a blanket.

Before being captured, the last time she'd seen Voldemort was when he had killed Dumbledore. After that, he became the monster that Lily both feared and reviled. He was the reason her beloved Headmaster was dead. He was the reason the wizarding world had changed and people like her were no longer welcome in it. He was the reason her family and other loved ones were dead. He was the reason Lily's life had been stolen from her. To her, Voldemort was monumentally evil, a man who had committed so many crimes that the idea of him dining in a house and eating dinner seemed incongruous and absurd. Although this wasn't her house, she couldn't help but feel invaded by his presence when previously she'd felt almost safe here.

Time passed and Lily thought she heard the sound of voices downstairs. She imagined James' guests all congregating in the dining room and that they were all laughing and joking with each other, as though they hadn't spend the day inflicting (be it in person or directing from afar) pain or death on those they felt deserved it.

Lily willed the time to pass and kept apprehensively looking at her door, afraid that Voldemort would come barging in at any moment for her. He didn't, but the threat of him initiated a torrent of painful memories: him killing Dumbledore; her and Remus turning up at the safe house scared out of their minds; finding out that the Dark Lord had gained full power; hearing story after story of people dying; finding out that her parents and sister had been killed and being unable to come to terms with that; their safe house being discovered and McGonagall, their last pillar of strength, being taken; Lily and Remus being left to fend for themselves, living their lives in fear and uncertainty; being captured and having to face the monster of a man who had caused all of this.

Reliving these memories made her angry instead of scared and she didn't feel like cowering in her room anymore. She felt the need to look upon him with her own eyes and to know what he wanted with James. Despite the danger and her better judgement, she found herself wrapping the Cloak entirely around her and quietly sneaking downstairs.

Voices emanated from the dining room and Lily approached the open door and hovered just outside it. From her position, she could see the table and its occupants. James was sitting in his usual seat, looking impassive. Next to him sat a chubby, nervous-looking man with watery eyes. He and James appeared to be the youngest at the table; the rest were all older, haughtier looking men. Voldemort sat at the head of the table and everyone looked at him as though he was saying the most important thing in the world.

Or at least, all of them but James were. James was looking at Voldemort and concentrating on what he was saying, but she could tell by the way that his jaw was clenched and his shoulders tensed that James couldn't care less about what this man was saying, and Lily found that interesting: Voldemort had known James a lot longer than Lily and yet he was unable to read him at all.

"So Mr Potter," Voldemort said, moving on to a different topic. "Is that Mudblood girl still around?" he asked with interest.

James quickly glanced at where Lily was standing and for a moment, Lily thought he could see her, before realising that was impossible.

James turned to Voldemort. "No," he answered in a cool, indifferent voice. "I grew bored of her, so I killed her."

Lily breathed in sharply at this outright lie, but Voldemort just smiled approvingly. "Good," he said. "I hope you got enjoyment out of her."

At his words, Lily felt rage bubbling up inside her. _How dare he say such a thing_, she thought.

James just nodded. "Of course, my lord."

Voldemort surveyed the table. "As you may be wondering, I have an urgent matter to discuss with you all, which is why I have gathered you here today."

Lily looked at James' face, which gave away nothing.

"I have reason to believe that the Resistance is resurging," the Dark Lord continued.

Lily's breath hitched and her eyes widened. Her gaze was still focused on James and she noted that his expression didn't change. _Did he already know_? She wondered.

And suddenly Lily's heart started beating frantically and something began to dwell within her – and it felt an awfully lot like hope.

When Voldemort first gained power, she believed that the Resistance would be able to overthrow him soon after but they never did. Then when she and Remus were in the safe house, they clung to the hope that the Resistance were biding their time and the Dark Lord's defeat would be soon. But time passed and nothing changed; McGonagall was captured and the last of the Aurors fighting him were killed. Prominent Resistance fighters also vanished, and those left either pledged their allegiance to Voldemort or went underground.

Lily and Remus had hoped to find the last, dwindling members of the Resistance whilst they were on the run but were unsuccessful, and Lily began to doubt that any still existed. It left them feeling truly alone in the world.

And now it was possible that the Resistance was reviving itself. It didn't seem likely and Lily barely dared to hope. If it was true, then so many things could happen!

Voldemort's men began to murmur their shock at his news.

"If this is true, then this is cause for concern and we must do everything in our power to stamp them out before they get the chance to flourish," Voldemort went on.

Other people began to comment but Lily stepped away, still reeling from his revelation. She didn't feel the need to linger anymore and listen to what this group had to say, so she retreated to James' study, where she knew Voldemort was unlikely to visit and that she would be within reach of James, ready to interrogate him as soon as the others left.

The study was dark and small, comprising of a large desk and chair, a shelf of books, a cabinet and an armchair in the corner. It was the armchair Lily chose to settle in whilst she waited. As she did so, her mind remained focused on the Resistance. How long had they been back in action for? Had they always been in action but no one but themselves knew? What was their agenda? Did they have a leader? How much did they know? Did they know about Lily being captured? Did they care? Did they know about Remus? Would they know if he truly was dead?

Lily had so many questions and not enough answers, and she truly did not know how she felt about them if they were indeed back. On the one hand, she was ecstatic that there was still a chance to fight Voldemort; on the other hand, if the Resistance still existed and had done so all along, then she couldn't help but feel abandoned by them.

Time seemed to drag as she waited for James and Lily found herself drifting off. The sound of voices in the hallway roused her and then she heard the distinct sound of people Apparating. Footsteps approached the study and Lily's breath hitched; the door opened and James stepped through, looking tense and very much agitated.

He took one look at his armchair and let out an annoyed sigh. "I thought I asked you to stay in your room?"

"How did you know I was here?" she countered, removing the Cloak she had been wearing from her head.

He pointed at her socked feet, which, unlike the rest of her body, was on show. Had they been like that when she was standing outside the dining room? She was sure they had been concealed.

"Oh," she said and reddened, embarrassed that she'd been that careless. She removed the Cloak completely and let it slide to the floor.

James walked over to the cabinet and opened it, revealing a small collection of alcohol. He pulled out a bottle of Firewhisky and poured a glass, then downed it in one.

"Bad day?" she asked meekly. James gave her a dark look which told her not to ask more, then walked over to his desk and leant against it, folding his arms in the process.

"Go on," he said.

Lily looked at him in confusion. "Go on what?"

"Ask what it is you've been dying to ask."

"Is it true?" she demanded almost immediately. "About the Resistance? That they're back?"

He nodded grimly; Lily couldn't hide her joy at the news, even though James so obviously felt the opposite.

"I suppose you've found yourself a cause now?"

"This is the best news I've heard in a long time," she told him even though she probably shouldn't be sharing this with him. "It means my people, _all_ the people who oppose the Dark Lord, finally have a fighting chance against him."

"And their plan would be to what? Defeat the Dark Lord and overthrow his followers... myself included?" He said this without a hint of self-pity and Lily's eyes locked with his.

If the Resistance ever restored the country back to how it had been (or as close as it could) then eventually, they would seek to prosecute or even kill the likes of James. Essentially, James would lose everything and maybe Lily would finally gain something. Some would call that justice, but it seemed unfair to Lily. Although the two of them could never be friends given who they both were (he a top aide of Voldemort and she his Muggle-born captor), they had developed a bond of sorts. She never saw what he was like outside of this house (and what his reputation hinted at); she only saw the side that made sure she was fed, clothed and warm, that didn't hurt her and hid her away from Voldemort. Lily certainly didn't want him to be punished for that.

But she was getting ahead of herself, wasn't she? She was assuming that the Resistance would win and that when they gained power, Lily would somehow be freed. Lily had held high hopes for the Resistance before and they had let her down. It could happen all over again.

"Yes, it would," she replied honestly.

James said nothing for a while, but his fists were clenched and his breathing was deep.

"You think you're the only victims from this war, don't you?" he suddenly demanded. "You think that because you're Muggle-born, we've taken everything from you and we've all lost nothing."

She was surprised by his outburst but it also made her angry. "Haven't you?" she countered, standing up. "Your lot took my family and you took my friends. You forced me out of my school and took away my right to magic. You took away my home and _everything _that ever mattered to me. Because of you, I have nothing!"

James looked furious. "Because of _me_? I'm responsible for all of that?"

"No!" she exclaimed. "But your people are!"

"My people? So we're all the same? You'll judge all of us by the actions of a few?"

She looked at him in disgust. "But you _are_ that few! You're one of the Dark Lord's top men. Merlin knows the things you've committed!"

There was a pause and then, "Do you think I had a choice in determining my lifestyle?" he demanded.

Lily looked at him in bemusement. "How could you not?"

James gave a bitter laugh. "It's all black and white for you, isn't it? There's no grey. How do you think I became the Dark Lord's top man, Miss Evans? Do you think I followed him so devotedly that he made me that person? Do you think I willingly killed my way to the top? Do you think I got that position because I strongly believed in everything he did?"

Lily didn't say anything because she had believed those things, the first two at least.

James drew closer so he was standing a foot in front of her.

"I _never _had a choice," he said and his voice was so fierce in its conviction that Lily took a step back.

"You didn't?" she whispered.

"Do you know what happened to me after the Dark Lord took power?"

She shook her head.

"He killed my parents."

Lily gasped. She knew his parents were dead, but she never thought to think about how they died.

"Why?" she asked.

"Because they didn't believe in what he did."

Lily was confused. "They were in the Resistance?"

"No. This was in the aftermath when people weren't confined to either the Resistance or the Dark Lord's side. My parents both worked high up for the Ministry and the Dark Lord considered them valuable assets and asked them to join him. But my parents, who had always been liberal and open-minded, refused to join him. So he beckoned us all to the Ministry and then killed them in front of me." James' voice was full of such tumultuous emotion that she wondered if he had ever shared this story before.

Lily didn't know what to say. "But you would have only been a boy," she eventually said.

"It didn't matter to him. He wanted to set an example and so he did. He showed me what happened to people who didn't support him and do you know what he told me? He told me that if I didn't follow him, I would end up the same way as my parents. Maybe if I had been older I would have been able to make a choice; maybe I would have even been strong enough to refuse him. But I was thirteen and I was scared and helpless. So I agreed to do what he told me to. I got sent back to Hogwarts, where we were taught to believe that Muggles were filth and wizards who supported them were just as worse. The Dark Lord took an interest in me because he saw some quality within me that made me useful, in his eyes. And he'd broken me down so much and taken everything from me that I didn't resist when he plucked me out of everyone to work for him at the Ministry." He looked at Lily. "So you see, you're not the only one who has nothing."

He went to sit in the armchair Lily had just vacated, and all she could do was stare at him in shock.

She had questions: how come he never tried to seek vengeance? How could he possibly work alongside the man who killed his parents? What did he really believe?

She stepped towards him, but he just looked up and gave her a wary glance.

"Don't," he said.

"Don't what?"

"If you're going to pity me, I don't want it."

"I-," she began, before the denial died on her lips. His head was in his hands and he looked child-like and vulnerable. She'd wanted to go up to him and comfort him.

"Leave," he instructed, in that commanding voice of his that she hadn't heard since she first arrived here.

She looked at him, uncertain whether to do so. Talking about his parents had clearly been painful and though she wished the subject had never been brought up, she wished she could so something to help him. But she remembered that when she'd heard about Remus, she'd wanted to be left alone and James had granted her that. It was only fair she did the same for him.

* * *

><p>As she soaked in the bathtub and unwound, her thoughts kept drifting to James. Lily had always considered her life tough, the deaths of her family profoundly affecting her, though she was no different to many others. There was not one person she knew who hadn't lost someone; even Remus did not know the fate of his parents. Despite this, she could not help but feel that out of everyone, what James went through was by the far the worst. He had seen his parents be murdered in front of him and was then forced to join that murderer and adopt his ideals. Most people would have been driven insane by that, but somehow James hadn't. How had he coped?<p>

She thought of his disposition and how she'd largely considered him a man of indifference. In the recent days, she'd seen signs that suggested otherwise, but James being with Voldemort seemed to bring that cold and impassive demeanour back in force. It was clear that he hid his emotions from the Dark Lord (and hid them well), but Lily wondered if there was more than that. Was it possible that James had been rendered so numb by what Voldemort had done to him that he ceased to feel anything at all? Was that even possible? Instead of permitting himself to feel grief, had he buried it deep within himself, along with any other emotion as his way of coping? Maybe this coping mechanism was why he was in this position: he had stopped caring about anything and did what needed to be done, dispassionately but effectively. Someone like Voldemort would thrive off that.

Lily returned to her room, uncertain what to do with herself. It was too early for bed, though she considered going to the library and finding a book, even though she wasn't in the mood for reading. She paced around her room, but it was no use: she couldn't stop thinking about James.

She knew that he didn't want her pity, but she couldn't help but feel sorry for him. And she knew that he didn't want company right now, least of all from her, but the idea of him sitting in his partially-lit study with only the memories of his parents to keep him company didn't sit well with Lily, and she was on her way to see him before she knew it.

* * *

><p>He smelt her before he saw her, the scent of spiced pumpkin from the bubble bath she so favoured wafting to his nose. As his mind automatically associated the smell with her, his gaze shifted to the doorway where she stood uncertainly.<p>

When she saw him looking at her, she began to make her way towards him.

Telling her about his parents had been hard and he didn't know why he had done so in the first place, maybe because seeing her become animated about the Resistance and the hope they brought, reminded him that he didn't have that hope. James hadn't talked to anyone about his parents and never intended to, but Lily had a maddening quality about her that made him do things he didn't want to. And she had been so certain in her convictions and ideals that the need to correct her had outweighed his desire to keep his biggest secret close to the heart.

Ever since that fateful day, James hadn't truly shifted through his memories of his parents or even thought in depth about what happened to them. Circumstances had dictated that he kept memories of them hidden deep down in order to cope and he had done just that. But now everything had resurfaced, every memory recalled and details of that day played over and over again in his mind. And it made everything hurt.

He watched warily as Lily drew closer and closer to him, wondering if she knew what was going through his mind. But if she did, she would have stayed away.

"James?" she said, her voice tentative.

His eyebrows raised a fraction; it was the first time he had heard Lily say his name and she said it out of pity. His fingers dug into the armrests. Pity was the last thing he wanted.

He looked at her blankly, hoping she would leave. She didn't.

She stepped closer and her legs were almost touching his knees.

"James," she said again, the name sounding strange coming from her lips. But he liked it. "I am sorry about what happened to you," she said, her voice awkward and hesitant. "And you probably didn't want to talk about your parents – not to me, anyway. But I want you to know if there's anything I can do for you, I will."

She was babbling, he was sure of it and he was certain she didn't know what she was going on about. There was nothing she could do for him – his parents had been murdered a long time ago.

"It doesn't matter if it's been a day or a year or even a decade," she told him. "It still hurts like hell." And James wondered if the girl was reading his mind now.

He studied her intently, his eyes roaming her body. She was dressed in her nightclothes, presumably ready for bed, and her recently dried hair was in a state of disarray. She shouldn't have looked attractive, but she did: her shorter hairstyle framed her face perfectly, enhancing her fine facial features and making her green eyes seem brighter. She wasn't as skinny as she had been upon her arrival; her figure was fuller and inviting. Voldemort was lying when he said Lily was pretty; the girl was, in actual fact, beautiful.

James captured one of her wrists with his hand and tugged her towards him. She did so obligingly. He parted his legs and she stood between his knees. Lily's eyes had grown large and she was very still; if she was frightened of his motives, she did her best not to show it.

He had never felt the need to assault girls and act on carnal needs like Voldemort expected. Despite what James had been exposed to, he did still hold some vestiges of honour. But with his mind and heart awash with grief, pain and anger, it was hard to remember these as he looked at Lily. He spent his most of his life feeling numb and senseless; now, he just wanted to _feel_.

James undid the sash of her dressing gown and threw it to the floor, revealing her long, white, sleeveless nightdress, the sight of which he drank in. He placed his hands on her waist, his right hand lazily tracing patterns above her hip. Lily let out quiet gasps at the sensation and he kept his eyes glued on her face. She was tense under his hands, but she still didn't show fear. Her eyes were locked on his without a trace of resignation or submission; she just looked at him expectantly.

This girl was different to anyone he knew, with her spirit, her strength and her humanity. He couldn't make sense of her at all.

"Who do you belong to?" he asked out loud and wondered if it was that boy she had been so desperate to save. Perhaps it was Voldemort and maybe it was even himself.

"No one," she whispered. "I belong to no one and no one belongs to me."

His nostrils flared and he shifted his legs away from her. He pulled her towards him again and she ended up in his lap. Her hands instinctively grasped his shoulders and she stared into his eyes, unable to keep the surprise out of them.

He brought his hand to her face, ran his hand through her hair, then across her cheek and down her neck. She closed her eyes at the touch. When his hand came to her chin, she opened her eyes and looked at him. For a moment they just stared at each other and then swiftly, he brought her lips down to his and captured them in a kiss.

Lily tasted of sweetness and hope, though at first she didn't kiss him back, she just sat immobile. Then suddenly her lips moved against his; his heart beat frantically and life poured through his veins. She threaded her fingers through his hair and his went down to roam her waist, her hips and her back; his fingers so firm against her skin that he was sure there would be marks.

He channelled his tempestuous emotions into this kiss, uncertain whether he was trying to lose himself in it – or find himself again.

Something at the back of his mind urged him to stop; a few moments more and he would be unable to. But he wanted to carry on. He wanted _this_.

She broke away for air and just like that, the spell was broken. James suddenly realised what he was doing, and with horror, realised quite how close he'd been to losing control and passing the point of no return. Hurriedly, he lifted her off of him and stood up, placing her to the ground.

Lily looked at him, her face awash with shock. Her cheeks were flushed and her now-red lips parted. James' hands were still on her lips and hers had moved down to his arms. For a while, the two of them just stared at each other, trying to comprehend what had just happened.

_I shouldn't have done that_, he thought.

"I'm sorry," he said automatically, his voice coming out hoarse.

Lily nodded, looking unsure of herself. "I have to go," she said frantically.

"No. Wait-," he began, but she was rushing out of the room before he knew it, her dressing gown still on the floor.

He let out a curse and closed his eyes, sinking back into his armchair. James always prided himself on self-control and because of the haze brought on by grief and pain, he'd lost control of himself. He used Lily to make himself feel better; he kissed her without permission and marked her skin with his fingers, even though he had told her he'd never hurt her and had vowed not to take advantage of her.

* * *

><p>Her lips were sore from his kiss and she could still taste him in her mouth: he tasted of whisky and despair, and something else.<p>

She was sat on her bed with her knees drawn up and head against them, still in shock, unable to believe he had kissed her. Lily knew he hadn't been in his right mind that evening and that perhaps the whisky had addled his brain (even though she'd only seen him have a glass), and when he'd taken her by the wrist and pulled her towards him, she had guessed his motives. She always feared he would cash in on her vow to him and thus didn't resist when he did so. She thought she would be scared, but she hadn't been; somehow, she trusted he wouldn't hurt her – and he hadn't. His kiss had been fierce and passionate, as though he was channelling all that suppressed sorrow and anger he was feeling into it.

Lily wasn't supposed to have reacted to the kiss, but she had. She had found it searing and electrifying. The sensations: his lips crashing against hers, his hands on her body, hers threading through his hair and her body pressed close to his, with her legs wrapped around him, had been exhilarating and she so easily could have got carried away. That James had only kissed her to make himself feel better made her feel used, lost and very much confused.

* * *

><p>When Lily went down for breakfast the next day, she was disappointed when Potts informed her that James had already left, though she wasn't sure what she was expecting. An explanation? An apology?<p>

She spent her morning wandering around the garden in the chilly December air, before heading back indoors. She scoured the week's collection of newspapers to find any clue that the Resistance might be back, and, spotting nothing, headed up to the library. Not in the mood for heavy reading, she found an old children's book about a young wizard who grew wings, and spent her afternoon reading that.

Lily was so absorbed in her book that she didn't notice the library door open and someone enter.

"That used to be my favourite book as a child," a voice said and Lily jumped, the book flying in the air.

James, who was standing a few feet in front of her, caught it expertly in his hands.

She looked at him in surprise, wondering what he was doing here. "Really?" she gently replied.

He nodded. "When Nigel takes his step-father for a trip in the sky and then drops him deliberately into the Thames, that's my favourite part. It always used to make me laugh when I was younger."

Lily was uncertain how to act around him, suddenly feeling shy, having kissed him. She'd always seen James as attractive, but his coldness had made that easy to overlook. But now she knew him better, now she knew what it was like when he came to life, and now she felt her face growing red at his presence and her heart beat a little faster.

"My favourite part is when he learns to fly," she said.

He gave her a smile and then pointed to the spot on the floor next to her. "May I?" he asked.

She nodded and then watched him as he sat beside her.

"You're home early," she stated.

His eyes met hers. "Yeah, I started early so I could finish sooner."

"Oh," she replied. Her gaze dropped to the floor and she could feel him watching her, which made her cheeks burn even more.

"Miss Evans?" he asked after a few moments.

She lifted her gaze back up to his.

"About last night," he began. "I'm sorry for the way I acted. It was wrong of me and I shouldn't have."

"It's all right," she assured him.

"But it isn't," he cut in. "I was a mess and you were there and I took advantage of that. I told you I wouldn't hurt you-,"

"You didn't," she interrupted.

"Not physically. But I forced you into something without asking you first."

"I would have told you if I didn't want to do it." And she realised that was true: vow or no vow, she knew if James did demand something of her, she would be able to refuse him without feeling his wrath, because James wasn't that kind of person. "Besides," she continued. "It was a good kiss."

He let out a hollow laugh and looked at her. She gave him a smile.

"I've never discussed my parents with anyone," he told her. "Only the Dark Lord knows what truly happened to them and sometimes I wonder if he remembers just how much he changed my life; other times I think he realises just what hold he has over me. When I saw how happy you were about the Resistance and how you talked about them defeating the Dark Lord – somehow, that made me mad. Because it meant that I was to be overcome too, and under different circumstances, it could have been me in the Resistance, had my parents not been ordered to the Ministry; I could have been fighting for justice. And then that just made me think about my parents and what happened to them."

She bit her lip. "I really am sorry for what happened to them."

He nodded. "Thank you."

"How can you work alongside him, after everything he's done? And how come he favours you so much?"

James shrugged. "What happened to my parents, it made me numb and indifferent. I internalised my feelings about it and then shut myself off to everything else. I went through the motions but I was never really feeling, never truly living. It's easy to work with someone like him and do the things he wants when you don't give a damn about anything. As to why he favours me, I'm not sure. I think he sees me as his creation. He broke me down and built me up to do his bidding."

Lily let out a shudder and James, mistaking it for a cold shiver, instinctively inched closer to her.

"You hate him, don't you?"

"Yes," he replied. "Although I always suppressed how much I hated him until recently."

"James?"

He looked at her. "Yes?"

"Would you ever seek vengeance for what he did to you?"

"I've never thought about it," he admitted. "I was so downtrodden that I never could."

"But what about now?"

"I wouldn't even know how to."

"You know, I believe that the Resistance can defeat him."

James let out a sigh. "Why do you have so much faith in a group that hasn't shown itself in years?"

Lily shrugged. "They give me hope of better things to come. And faith – isn't that what keeps people going?"

"I wouldn't know," James answered.

Lily's eyes traced James' face. "You could help the Resistance."

He emitted an empty laugh. "And they'll what? Welcome me with open arms? I may not be their biggest enemy, but surely I'm in their top five."

"But you're not who they think you are; you're not a bad person."

"Not to you, but I have done terrible things that I can't atone for."

"Have you ever killed anyone?" she demanded, though she wasn't sure if her opinion of him would change if the answer was yes.

He shook his head. "Not directly, but because of me people have died. I've prosecuted Muggles and Muggle-borns and Merlin knows that I've made enough people suffer."

Lily momentarily closed her eyes. "I trust you," she finally said. "And despite what you've done, I have faith that you're a good person."

His eyes blazed. Lily knew no one had ever told him that before.

"You may be a top aide of the Dark Lord and you may have had to do terrible things in order to reach that position, but you chose _me_ and spared me from a terrible fate; you saved me. And you gave me free will when I could have been yours to do what you wanted with. Then when the Dark Lord came, you concealed me from him." Lily frowned. "There's a contradiction there and I'm not quite sure what that it is, but if you're as bad as people say you are, then why am I here?"

"I don't know," he answered. "I told myself that I picked you because I was bored and I wanted a reward."

Lily's frown deepened. "But you've never treated me like some sort of prize."

James shrugged. "Then maybe on another level, I picked you because I felt sorry for you."

"You acted out of humanity," she stated.

James looked surprised. "I didn't think I had any left."

Their eyes locked.

"James, I think that out of anyone, you hold the power to change things. You could thwart the Dark Lord's plans to stamp out the Resistance. You could give them a fighting chance."

"The Dark Lord is a powerful man, Miss Evans," he pointed out. "It wouldn't be easy."

"He wouldn't suspect you. Maybe he might have done when you first joined him, but enough time had passed that surely he has grown complacent." Lily suddenly recalled something. "And you're a Legilimen," she said, remembering his threat to read her mind when she first arrived. "Surely that means you also know Occlumency. That would help!"

"Yes," he agreed. "But I'd have to think about it. What you're asking me to do is a big thing. And being under the Dark Lord's reign is all I know. For me to go against that, I'd have to really believe things can change."

She nodded in understanding. "I know you have qualms about the Resistance, but if you have one reason to want to change things and to make things better, let that reason be your parents. They deserve justice and they would want their son to bring about the world they believed in." It was a daring move bringing up his parents, but James just closed his eyes and nodded, not saying a word.

After a few minutes, he opened his eyes. "And what about you, Miss Evans? What would your place be in all this?"

"I'd want to join the Resistance," she told him. "Because I want justice for my family too. And for Remus, if he really is dead. And for anyone who died unjustly. I want to make this world a better place and I'd do anything to make that happen."

Silence fell; the two of them knowing that for Lily to achieve those things, James would have to free her.

"Thank you," Lily said, after a while. "For finishing work early and coming to see me. And thank you for picking me. You'll never know just how grateful I am for that."

She leaned her head against his shoulder and he placed his hand over hers; the two of them sat in silence, thinking about the world that used to be and the world that could be - if only they were given the chance.


	5. Chapter 5

**Title:** Love In a Hopeless Place 5/5  
><strong>Rating:<strong> R  
><strong>Warnings:<strong> Dark themes, some sexual references.  
><strong>Summary:<strong> Having been hiding out in the middle of nowhere to escape Voldemort's tyranny, Lily is captured by patrollers and subsequently offered as a prize to Voldemort's followers. James claims her as his own, in the process altering the course of his life – and hers too.

**A/N:** The final (and rather hurried) chapter. Please note this chapter is more R-rated than PG-13. Many thanks to those kind enough to leave comments.

* * *

><p><strong>Part Five<strong>

That night, Lily dreamt of war. She dreamt of trying to collapse an evil dictatorship in hopes of starting something new and something better. She dreamt of her place in all of that; she dreamt that she was fighting to establish that better world. And she dreamt that James was there too, fighting for the same thing that she was. She dreamt of victory and success, then suddenly the scenes shifted and Lily was dreaming about loss.

She dreamt about that fateful day at Hogwarts, when her entire life changed. She dreamt of her confusion and her fear and monsters swarming into the school and trying to capture her. Then she dreamt of a boy with black hair and glasses, who took her and Remus by the hand and saved them.

And in her dream, she suddenly recognised who he was.

* * *

><p>Lily suddenly bolted awake, shock coursing through her. She had thought of that boy many times over the years but had never realised who he was. All this time, the answer had been staring at her in the face.<p>

She knew it was late in the night, but she didn't care. She rushed out of bed and put on her dressing gown, which James had returned to her earlier on, and went in search of James. Lily had never been to his bedroom before, but knew its location and headed there.

She found herself outside his door in no time and began frantically knocking on his door. She waited and heard a muffled cry and the sound of something hitting the floor. She then heard rustling, but feeling impatient, she swung open his door-

- only to find James rushing to put his pyjama shirt on.

At the sound of her entering, he turned around, his shirt not quite on.

"Yes, you can come in," came his sarcastic reply, as he pulled the sleeves over his arms.

Lily's mouth opened as she glimpsed his bare chest, then she quickly cleared her throat and looked at his face.

"Did you used to wear glasses?" she suddenly asked.

James looked at her as though she had grown an extra head.

"Let me get this straight," he said. "You come knocking at my door at-," he glanced at the clock on his bedside table, "- three in the morning. You wake me up and cause me to fall off my bed, thinking something terrible had happened to you, when in actuality you weren't dying, you just want to know if I used to wear glasses?" His voice is slightly sluggish and deeper than usual, traces of sleep still present.

"Yes," she replied.

James let out a groan as he started buttoning up his top, which Lily watched with fascination. "Miss Evans, you should only wake me if you're in mortal danger."

"Oh. Well, you're awake now," she said dismissively, then looked at him expectantly.

He looked at her. "Are you being serious? You're not currently sleepwalking, are you? Are you possessed? Did you break into my liqueur cabinet?"

She shook her head and he continued watching her suspiciously.

"Yes," he finally answered. "I used to wear glasses."

Lily let out a gasp and brought a hand to her mouth.

Instantly, he came towards her. "What is it?"

She looked up at him. "When did you stop wearing them?"

He shrugged. "I don't know. When I was fifteen, perhaps. The Dark Lord didn't really give me much of a choice; he hated defects – anything that hinted at physical weakness. He counted visual impairment as one of those."

Lily nodded, though she wasn't really listening. "James? The day that the Dark Lord killed Dumbledore, how much of it do you remember?"

"Not much. Just bits and pieces really. Dumbledore dying. Everyone panicking. Everything changing."

She stepped forward, so she was almost pressed up against him, and placed her hands gently against his chest.

"Think about that day," she urged. "Think harder." Her eyes locked onto his and James blinked a few times.

"I...," he began and faltered. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes. "I remember feeling worried after Dumbledore died, not for my safety, but for the safety of those who weren't pureblood. Everyone... everyone seemed to be just standing there, but I _knew_ that worse was to come. And I tried to warn people, but no one would listen. I think they were all too shocked. I started rushing around, trying to find McGonagall or someone. And then...," his voice trailed off and he became lost in thought. "And then I saw a girl and a boy from my House standing in the midst of it all, and I remembered that they'd been shunned by people, because they weren't pureblood. I didn't want anything to happen to them, so I sent them down one of the castle's passageways." James was stunned. "I'd forgotten all about that," he murmured, but when he looked at Lily, he saw that she was crying.

"That boy and girl were Remus and me!" she said through her tears.

And James' eyes widened. He should have realised! How could he have forgotten?

She was looking at him as though he was a new person and he supposed he was, in a way.

"You saved me," she said, her voice wrought with emotion. "You're always...saving me."

Instinctively, his arms went around her and Lily leaned her head against his chest, tears soaking into his pyjama shirt. He held her as she softly cried, though he wasn't sure the reason for her tears. Was she overwhelmed? Or angry at him for saving her?

After a while, the tears subsided and she lifted her head. Her eyes were slightly red, but she seemed calmer now.

"You know, I always wondered what happened to you. I feared something bad might have happened to you or that the Dark Lord got hold of you. I guess I was right, though not the way I expected."

All James could do was nod.

"I'm glad that boy turned out to be you," she carried on. Lily sniffed and something suddenly occurred to her.

"When I was on the run," she began. "I used to hear these rumours. One of them was about someone who used to be given women prizes, but would let them go. Was that you?"

James looked confused. "I don't remember," he said.

"I remember hearing news about a young girl who was killed and then sometime later, a woman was too. But there were whispers that the girl had been kindly freed because she was too young and the woman was a mother, and she had been freed too."

James was shaking his head, but something about what she was saying sounded familiar. "It could have been me," he murmured, but he was still uncertain. Those weren't memories he possessed. And yet –

"You know what I think? I think that you're not – or you weren't – as numb as you think you are. I think you did those acts out of kindness and out of the humanity you didn't think you had. And I think that you deliberately forgot about those memories – you hid them deep within you – so that the Dark Lord couldn't get to them."

James seemed completely astonished by this and stepped away from Lily, moving over to his bed and sitting on the edge, with his head in his hands. "I don't know what to say," he admitted. How could any of this be possible? These revelations were extraordinary and so far from anything he thought he was capable of doing and it made him question himself entirely.

She walked over to the bed and sat down next to him. "I do," she said and took hold of his left hand. She couldn't imagine what it must be like to find out that you weren't who you really thought you were. "Thank you," she whispered and brought his hand to her lips, kissing it firmly, then holding it to her chest.

Lily heard his breath catching and he watched her, uncertain. His hand by her heart was comforting, but suddenly it wasn't enough; she wanted more. She was reaching for him before she knew it: her hands to his face and then her lips against his.

If James was surprised by her actions, he didn't show it. Instead, he placed his hands to her waist and hoisted her on his lap and continued to kiss her. His lips were passionate and strong against her own, and she felt herself melt into him.

_How did I go from hating you to this? _Lily managed to think. Slowly she broke away from the kiss and looked at him.

James was breathing heavily and his eyes were blazing with something that could have been desire. It startled Lily to think she was the cause of that.

Curiously, she placed her hand against his heart and was amazed to feel it racing. In response, he began to kiss her along her jaw line. Her fingers traced the buttons of his shirt and tentatively, she began to undo them. James stopped what he was doing and let her; she took off his pyjama top and threw it to the floor.

The sight of his bare chest mesmerised her and suddenly her hands were dancing across his skin and tracing patterns. She kissed him at the junction of his neck and shoulder, and then placed a kiss over where his heart was and began to trail her lips downwards. James stopped her before she could go further.

Lily watched as he swallowed then undid and removed her dressing gown, then gently lifted her nightdress off of her.

Suddenly, she was completely exposed in front of him and her heart beat frantically as his eyes explored her body, making her skin feel electrified. Then, before she knew it, he wrapped her legs around him, stood up, turned around, then placed her in the centre of the bed and leaned into her.

Their eyes met and she gave him a nervous, trembling smile; he kissed her lips, then her face and then her body.

She gasped as his lips and hands began to explore her, revelling in the sensations. His touch was like fire and she felt like she was burning – and she wanted more.

He looked back up at her, his eyes full of such strong emotion – and he gave her everything.

* * *

><p>Afterwards, they lay in each other's arms, content and sated.<p>

Lily was tired, but a question came to her that she couldn't ignore.

"James?"

"Hmm?" he replied, his voice full of fatigue.

She leaned over him and looked him in the eye.

"Who do you belong to?" She wondered if it was Voldemort and hoped that it wasn't.

"No one," he replied with honesty. "I belong to no one and no one belongs to me."

Lily smiled, kissed his shoulder and closed her eyes.

* * *

><p>Lily let out a yawn and stretched her arms. When her arm did not come into contact with anything, she opened her eyes only to find James gone from his bed.<p>

It had been two weeks since she'd found out about James, and the two of them had spent most of their time together, making love and talking. When Lily thought about it, it amazed her just how much her feelings for James had changed. Once, she'd been convinced that she'd never see him as something more than a monster and she didn't think she'd ever trust him. But now he seemed so far removed from her initial impression of him, and she trusted him implicitly.

She got out of bed and got dressed into her jumper and jeans. Then she headed downstairs to see where James was, only to find him in the reception room.

He was standing by the large window, staring at the white sky.

"Is it going to snow?" she called out and James turned around to look at her.

"Lily," he greeted and watched as a smile spread across her face as he said her given name. "It looks like it."

"Good," she replied as she headed towards him. "I always enjoy a White Christmas."

James had a small, thin box in his hand, but placed it on the window ledge and kissed her on the lips.

"Merry Christmas, Lily," he said against her lips.

"Merry Christmas, James."

He wrapped his arms around her waist and leaned his head against hers.

"Every Christmas, once all the presents had been opened and all the food eaten, my parents used to dance with each other and I used to watch them in adoration." James smiled in memory.

"My family and I used to sing Christmas songs really out of tune and then play board games. My parents always let me and my sister win," Lily recalled and then her eyes glazed over in sadness when she thought of them. "It's been a long time since I've celebrated Christmas; I haven't had anything to celebrate."

"Me neither," James replied.

The two of them held each other for a moment, before James looked at her and asked, "Lily, do you want to dance with me?"

Lily looked at him and laughed at the suggestion, then nodded obligingly. Her arms went around his neck and he placed his hands on her hips; together they swayed to a tune that was their own.

Their dancing was interrupted when Potts appeared in the entrance.

"Master James? There is someone at the door," she said.

James reluctantly broke away from Lily. "Thank you, Potts. Show him in."

Lily looked at him in curiosity, but he said nothing and waited for his guest to appear.

When a young man with long, black hair and grey eyes appeared at the door, Lily's curiosity turned to confusion.

"James?" she asked.

"Lily, I would like you to meet Sirius Black."

Instantly, Lily's eyes widened and for a moment, she believed that Sirius was here to take her away – and that James had deceived her all along.

"I've been doing some deep investigating," James carried on. "It turns out that Sirius here is actually a long-serving member of the Resistance."

Lily turned to look at Sirius, who presented her with a flashing smile.

"Hello Lily," he greeted. "Remus has told me all about you."

"Remus?" Lily's confusion deepened and she looked at both men questioningly. "I don't understand."

"Remus is safe, Lily," James explained. "Sirius found him and rescued him, though he does a convincing job of making it seem like he's a Snatcher." He thought about the 'body' Sirius had sent to the Ministry. "A very good job, indeed."

Lily's heart was pounding and she was struggling to come to terms with all of this. Remus was alive! And Sirius was actually good, working for the Resistance?

"Remus has been trying to find out where you are," Sirius told her. "But didn't have the means to do so. I tried to find out for him, but James beat me to it and found me first."

She looked at James.

"I still don't understand."

James cleared his throat and looked at Sirius. "Would you mind leaving us alone for a moment?"

Sirius nodded and left the room.

James placed a hand on Lily's shoulder. "I know we haven't discussed it properly, but I've been thinking about what you said about the Resistance and me helping them. And I have decided that I want to do my best to assist them. And I've also decided...," his voice trailed off for a moment. "I've also decided that you should be helping them too."

Her brow furrowed in perplexity. "You're letting me go?"

"You're not my prisoner, Lily, not anymore." He placed a hand over her cheek and she closed her eyes at his touch. "I'm setting you free – this is my Christmas gift to you."

Slowly, Lily shook her head. "I can't leave you," she said. "Not now. Not after everything."

"You have to. You have your part to play in the Resistance and I have mine. For that to work, we'd have to be apart."

The idea of leaving James made Lily feel empty. She had started to think of this place as home and it was the one place she had felt truly safe.

"But I don't want to be apart from you."

"We'll keep in touch. I'm sure we'll be able to see each other every so often, and when this whole thing is over, we can be together. Properly."

She looked at him and the devotion she felt for this man was so strong that she thought her heart would explode. "You've given me everything," she said to him. "And I've nothing to give to you."

He shook his head and his arms encircled her waist. "You're wrong. Before you came into my life, I was barely living it. You brought me back to life and turned me into the person I am today."

Tears ran down her face and swiftly James wiped them away.

"I'm going to miss you," she said.

He placed a kiss into her hair. "No you won't," he said. "You'll miss my bathtub and my library and maybe even my food. But you won't miss me."

She laughed into his chest and held him tightly. "True," she lied. "You're but a passing thought already."

"I have something else for you," he said, letting go of her and heading back to the window. He picked up the box off the ledge and handed it to her.

"What is it?" she asked.

"Open it and see."

She opened the box and found in it a wand. Lily gasped.

"It was my mother's," he told her. "And now it's yours. Get Sirius and anyone else you can to teach you magic. If there is another war coming, you're going to need-,"

James was cut off as Lily lunged for him and kissed him squarely on the lips.

"-it," he finished when Lily broke off.

"I'm never going to be able to thank you enough for all of this," she said.

"And I'm never going to be able to thank you enough for all of you," he said.

They looked at each other, neither one quite willing to let the other go. James made the first move, kissing her goodbye.

Afterwards, Lily swallowed then stepped away. Sirius reappeared at the doorway.

"Are you ready?" he asked.

Lily nodded.

"Keep her safe, won't you?" James said to Sirius.

"Of course," came his reply.

Lily walked towards Sirius and then turned to look at James.

He was looking at her with a smile on his face but sadness in his eyes, and she ached at the sight of him.

"Goodbye, James," she said, and she hoped that she would see him soon. "Give Potts all my love."

"Goodbye, Lily," he replied. "I will do," and he hoped that he was making the right decision in sending her away.

Sirius took her by the hand and Apparated them both away.

James was left standing alone, his heart heavy at the loss of her. Everything was going to change now and the world would be plummeted back to dangerous times. James would face his biggest challenge yet, helping to defeat Voldemort – he just hoped Lily would be his constant throughout.

* * *

><p><strong>AN**: There is possibly room for a sequel, if people want it, seeing as there's still quite a lot that can be told (about the changing world as the Resistance fight back), and of course, what happened to Sirius and Remus can be explained in detail.

Merry Christmas to all. And if you have enjoyed reading please take the time to leave a review – it would be a great Christmas gift!


End file.
